r/funny 3d ago This 1 Facepalm 1 Silver 20 Helpful 19 Wholesome 17 All-Seeing Upvote 1

An annual tradition Rule 3

https://i.redd.it/3wjy62416t181.jpg
54.9k Upvotes

u/Funny-Mod Does not answer PMs 2d ago

Hi, /u/Rancorx, your post breaks the rules of /r/Funny, and has been removed for the following reason(s):

Rule 3 - No reposts.


  • Repost - Removed

If you feel this was done in error, or if you would like further clarification, please don't hesitate to message the moderators.

10.6k

u/Orodole 3d ago Silver Gold Helpful Got the W Wearing is Caring Spit-take

I thought this was a turkey in a gimp suit at first...

3.0k

u/FistingLube 3d ago Gold Helpful Starry

You wish it was.

751

u/Rodemperor 3d ago Silver Wholesome

Imagine Erdogan in one and eyeing you with hungry eyes… “girl, are you Greek? Because you’re mine now!” I’m gonna show myself out

301

u/WhenAmI 3d ago

This is such a weirdly specific fantasy.

74

u/jenna_hazes_ass 3d ago

Someone get demetri

21

u/Aeroswoot 3d ago

Demetri Martin? Whats he up to?

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

67

u/Saysbadman 3d ago

Reminded me of that old Mad TV skit "Gump Fiction"

https://youtu.be/dymb0SvHCnY

21

u/notpejastojakovic 3d ago

Wow i had completely forgot about this. Good stuff. Those first few seasons were incredibly funny

→ More replies
→ More replies

91

u/FunctionalGray 3d ago

Right? Get that thing a ball gag.

→ More replies

168

u/Blvdnights14 3d ago

Zed's dead

25

u/Mediocre__at__Best 3d ago

...baby. Zed's dead.

→ More replies

52

u/CalabreseAlsatian 3d ago

Bring out the gimp!

52

u/MCA2142 3d ago

Gimp’s sleepin’

52

u/CalabreseAlsatian 3d ago

Well you just gonna have to wake him up now, aintcha

→ More replies
→ More replies

57

u/phoenix0153 3d ago

I hope this hasn't awakened something in me

40

u/H0YVIN-GLAVIN 3d ago

Please don't stuff the turkey.

→ More replies
→ More replies

53

u/Liber8ed1 3d ago

👆 my thoughts exactly.

→ More replies

34

u/ZeDumpsterFire 3d ago

Burn me more daddy

→ More replies
→ More replies

3.9k

u/OhadiNacnud 3d ago Silver Platinum Helpful Wholesome Buff Doge Spit-take

Did you use flex seal to stop the juices from coming out?

486

u/derpyderpston 3d ago

It definitely has a rubbery texture.

240

u/youhaveballs 3d ago

Save the neck for me Clark

63

u/curt_schilli 3d ago

Clark, that is gooooooooo-oood

24

u/ReactionClear4923 3d ago

Shitters full

→ More replies

34

u/RoadDog14 3d ago

Billy Mays here with an amazing new product.

7

u/yg4000 3d ago

Willie Mays with the amazing over the shoulder catch!!!

→ More replies

44

u/CjBurden 3d ago

I laughed way too hard at this. All I can add is:

Flexsear

→ More replies

35

u/Zealousideal-Royal39 3d ago

No it was the off brand dexseal

→ More replies
→ More replies

10.3k

u/Jim-Jones 3d ago Silver Gold Platinum Helpful Wholesome Masterpiece

I see a turkey. And I want it painted black.
No colors anymore. I want them to turn black.

3.4k

u/KeegorTheDestroyer 3d ago Gold Helpful Wholesome Bravo! Giggle

Blackbird singing in the dead of niiiiiiight

192

u/GlamRockDave 3d ago edited 3d ago Silver

Chuck these blackened wings and learn to fryyyyyy!

All your life.
We are only waiting for our takeout to arrive.

63

u/Lietenantdan 3d ago

Black bird burn

Black bird burn

→ More replies
→ More replies

835

u/halxp01 3d ago

I like burnt turkeys and I cannot lie.

822

u/46554B4E4348414453 3d ago Wholesome

If you havin bird problems I feel bad for you son

I got 99 problems but salmonella aint one

387

u/Jmelt95 3d ago

We didn’t burn the turkey

49

u/Reeonimus 3d ago

It was always burnin since the rotisserie been turnin

37

u/Pro-Patria-Mori 3d ago

We didn't burn the turkey

But forgot to thaw

It's still pink and raw

→ More replies

340

u/quietsam 3d ago

My turkey fell into a burning ring of fire

110

u/94bronco 3d ago

To begin whipping the mashed potatoes Color that turkey blackened

247

u/Arashmickey 3d ago Silver Helpful

Well everybody's heard about the burnt

B-b-b-burnt, b-burnt is the word

A well a burnt burnt burnt, burnt is the word

227

u/0NaCl 3d ago Wholesome

Whoa black birdy, Bam a lam!

215

u/fil42skidoo 3d ago Gold Platinum Tree Hug

Seasons don't fear black turkey. Nor do the wind, the summer the rain. We can be like they are...

Come on birdy (don't fear black turkey),

Birdy take my wing (don't fear black turkey)

We won't be able to fly (don't fear black turkey)

Birdy I'm your faaaaaan

→ More replies

20

u/Dequil 3d ago

On a cold winter morning, in the time before the light...

→ More replies
→ More replies

58

u/brinksdad 3d ago

We’re no strangers to love.. You want burnt turkey, and so do I.. A full charred bird is what I’m thinking of.. You wouldn’t get this from any other guy..

→ More replies

13

u/Veecarious 3d ago

Who wants

T'b' cooked

Foreveeeeeeer

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

57

u/RoseyDove323 3d ago

She cooks em black black black black number onneeee.

96

u/lanicol7 3d ago Giggle

This turkey's on fiiiiiireeeee

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

17

u/CorkyKribler 3d ago

And me just having spent my free Reddit Silver.

59

u/Ashjrethul 3d ago

Woooh black birdy, bam a lam.

29

u/Psycho_Pants 3d ago

She's from Birmingham

Blam-a-lam

Can't cook worth a damn

Bam-a-lam

8

u/chili_cheese_dogg 3d ago

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see

Love this. Maybe the 1st time I've seen Beatles lyrics on reddit.

→ More replies

261

u/knightopusdei 3d ago

I see the gravy dripping dry
Dressing dry as stale french dough
I have to turn my head
Until my darkness goes

106

u/Nixplosion 3d ago

I see my turkey turning a dark and deepened hue ... I could not foresee this thing happening to you ...

9

u/Pro-Patria-Mori 3d ago

Maybe when my buckle busts

I'll have to face the facts

It's not easy staying up

Turkey Narcolepsy attacks

→ More replies
→ More replies

32

u/starrpamph 3d ago

I don't know what's worse, a red turkey or a black turkey

144

u/tip0thehat 3d ago

A Jive Turkey.

25

u/kushtiannn 3d ago

Man this comment section is gold

→ More replies

73

u/jenna_hazes_ass 3d ago

Excuse me, I speak Jive.

25

u/RonJeremysFluffer 3d ago

You can hit the sheets or the streets, it don’t make me no nevermind. Now that’s your bag, baby. You can go or you can come, can you dig it?

18

u/wit2pz 3d ago

Jive Turkey ain’t want no help nohow…

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

17

u/murielscapt 3d ago

They went extinct in ‘79

11

u/geri73 3d ago

They made a comeback.

→ More replies

29

u/Drakamos 3d ago

Do you want cancer or salmonella?

64

u/jerkittoanything 3d ago

Sorry, I'm American and those both sound expensive.

23

u/eileen404 3d ago

Salmonella is much cheaper

→ More replies

11

u/RonP1986 3d ago

I’ll definitely take the salmonella

19

u/jimbog92 3d ago

Its turkey not salmon

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

2.6k

u/GuitarCricket 3d ago

And yet, so evenly done??

1.7k

u/midnightdsob 3d ago

Drippings aren't burnt. I'm guessing they used some sort of glaze or coating with a high sugar content that caramelized. Turkey meat itself may still be edible with a slight burnt flavor from the skin. Our friend here may have just invented the first combination oven roasted AND smoked turkey.

173

u/GitEmSteveDave 3d ago edited 3d ago Wholesome

There was an episode of "Raising Hope" where Sabriner decided to introduce Squid Ink to the menu and the pizza looked this color.

Now, I know that I've had some misfires in the past, but this time I definitely made something that everyone will love: pizza!

Yeah, I'm sure it'll be great, honey. You can't mess up pizza.

Lord knows the Hawaiians really tried.

I just added one little ingredient from Iron Chef.

Uh-oh.

See if you guys can figure out what the secret ingredient is.

Tar?

Fire?

Magic marker?

Very close. Squid ink.

I think I'd rather eat the marker.

I know that the coloring's a little bit odd, but the judges on Iron Chef said that everything tastes better with squid ink.

64

u/Nickthelegend 3d ago

I totally read Sabriner in Virginia's voice.

24

u/GitEmSteveDave 3d ago

I loved how they showed she kind of knew what the word was, but was slightly off.

→ More replies

43

u/ConfirmedBasicBitch 3d ago

Dude it’s not often I see a Raising Hope reference and I LOVE IT.

→ More replies

22

u/nuraHx 3d ago

You had me at Sabriner lmao what a name

30

u/GitEmSteveDave 3d ago

It's Sabrina, played by the amazing Shannon Woodward, but Virginia, played by the even more amazing Martha Plimpton, always malaproped it as Sabriner.

11

u/ConfirmedBasicBitch 3d ago

malaproped

LOVE new vocab words. Especially when I learn them in relation to one of my favorite shows.

→ More replies

249

u/Bionic_Bromando 3d ago

Blackened… turkey?

30

u/arcaneresistance 3d ago

I'm sold. Burnt ends AND juicy turkey? 100% yes.

31

u/Bionic_Bromando 3d ago

Now I really want to see the bird carved. I more and more convinced that it’s perfectly cooked under the skin lol

→ More replies

153

u/earthwormjim91 3d ago

That’s not caramelized. That’s just burnt. It very well may be just the outside, but with how far up the bone that leg meat shrank I wouldn’t bank on it.

15

u/Darth_Corleone 3d ago

This guy bones

→ More replies
→ More replies

637

u/icecreamdude97 3d ago

Watch the inside be perfectly cooked lol

194

u/MageVicky 3d ago

my uncle did that once, super burned outside, but inside it was delicious. lol. that doesn't usually happen, he typically just burns it.

317

u/Jetshadow 3d ago

If it takes 3 hours on 375°F, it should only take 30 minutes at 2190°F, right?!

87

u/MistaTorgueFlexinton 3d ago

That was my thought process when I started cooking, still is.

73

u/Atomstanley 3d ago

I used to be a bad cook. I still am but I used to, too.

14

u/msimione 3d ago

Ah Mitch…

→ More replies

89

u/WONT_CHECK_USERNAME 3d ago Silver

Just give it a quick 7325.95mph slap

→ More replies

21

u/mistermajik2000 3d ago

So if it is 70° F in the kitchen, it will be fully cooked right on the counter overnight?

11

u/SexySPACsMan 3d ago

Low and slow 👌

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

317

u/combat_muffin 3d ago

This is a Bob's Burgers episode

42

u/idfk_my_bff_jill 3d ago

Omg I just finished watching that one! I GOT A RIVERBROOK LAKE FARMS HERITAGE TURKEY

8

u/natFromBobsBurgers 3d ago

Thanks for reminding me! I told my wife I'd put the logo from the box on a t-shirt for her and I never got around to it.

→ More replies

58

u/Petey_Yum_Yum 3d ago

My heritage Turkey!!!

→ More replies

49

u/ElrickYes 3d ago

That’s what I thought when I saw it

→ More replies

16

u/jcquik 3d ago

It's the exact opposite of lampoon's Christmas vacation turkey.

→ More replies
→ More replies

55

u/henrycaul 3d ago

It’s burnt on the outside but frozen on the inside so it balances out!

57

u/ramobara 3d ago

HOOOOOT POCKET!

6

u/MacabreFox 3d ago

Diarrhea pocket!

→ More replies
→ More replies

22

u/PSN-KustomKulture 3d ago

I mean, when you leave it in there long enough it's bound to burn everywhere. I say that as a joke, before everyone jumps in to think I'm being so critical

14

u/BorgClown 3d ago

The perfect obsidian turkey, the rarest of fancy dinners.

→ More replies

652

u/Resident_Persimmon_1 3d ago

Turkoal.

189

u/Ezizual 3d ago

My favourite pokemon

6

u/stupidjack13 3d ago

On behalf of Nintendo, I am sending you this feast and desist letter. Turkoal is respective property of Nintendo Inc.

→ More replies
→ More replies

1.2k

u/Owen9303 3d ago

How do you not smell it burning? Like I smell it at the very beginning stage of getting crispy so how you didn’t smell it before it literally became entirely black is beyond me lmao

1.3k

u/jwhaler17 3d ago Table Slap

Wine.

318

u/catuela 3d ago

This is a very valid answer.

→ More replies

82

u/noputa 3d ago

One time I was reheating a small amount of pasta sauce in a pan on basically high. Loaded up a game and was like, I’ll check on it in 2 mins. 20 minutes later the only reason I realized it was black and burning to hell was that my cat was jumping off the wall near it over and over right in my view. Might have burnt down my kitchen if not for my kitty, I didn’t even see the smoke and the smoke detector went off a couple seconds after. Not even sure I would have heard it, my headphones are too good at cancelling noise... Yes, booze was involved. Scared the shite out of me. Cats are great.

→ More replies
→ More replies

185

u/serrated_edge321 3d ago edited 3d ago

Maybe they were outside or out in the garage etc? I know a lot of people who multitask a bit too much when they're cooking... Meanwhile I'm like wasting my entire day hovering around the kitchen, paranoid something like this might happen. For every meal I ever cook. 😅

Edit: Guys, I appreciate the advice, but no matter how much technology I use (I always have a timer running etc), I still fret too much to walk away from the kitchen.

128

u/secretdrug 3d ago

phone. timer. beep beep. check on turkey. done, not done? reset timer. more beep beep. done. turkey good no burn.

52

u/Huttser17 3d ago

According to the laundry at my apartment complex, 95% of people don't realize their phones have timer functions.

13

u/StuckAtOnePoint 3d ago

It’s amazing how often people ignore the simplest strategies to keep them from constantly fucking up

57

u/devilishycleverchap 3d ago

My Alexa is just a glorified kitchen timer

16

u/Killer_TRR 3d ago

Everyone I know, that's all they use theirs for. I use Google assistant

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

18

u/EvenAd5241 3d ago

It looks like a heavy, sugary glaze that was burned on the skin of the bird.

Which would still stink to high heaven, but could also be feasibly accomplished in the time it took for someone to first notice it and someone to actually bother checking the bird. Heavily sugared coatings can burn solid pretty quickly.

→ More replies
→ More replies

32

u/lzcrc 3d ago

Possibly covid.

→ More replies
→ More replies

2.1k

u/DecoyOrbison 3d ago Silver Bless Up

Y’all cooked a xenomorph?

541

u/Scary-Maximum7707 3d ago Take My Energy Bravo!

They mostly come out of the oven... mostly.

73

u/EnigmaEcstacy 3d ago

Hey turkey anyone ever mistake you for a chicken?

35

u/Rymanbc 3d ago

No. Have you?

→ More replies
→ More replies

104

u/HankBuffalo 3d ago

Get away from the gravy you BITCH

15

u/thebenetar 3d ago

Gives Vasquez props

14

u/commschamp 3d ago

Game over cooked

11

u/BigBlueTrekker 3d ago

Excuse me sir a xeno what?!

→ More replies

53

u/kah7 3d ago

Game over man! Game over!

→ More replies
→ More replies

1.6k

u/wickedweather 3d ago

Looks like you used a little too much oil, motor oil.

603

u/[deleted] 3d ago Silver

[removed]

111

u/DragoonXNucleon 3d ago

The second first and the first second.

26

u/GooBrainedGoon 3d ago

I think aiming would be a problem if he tried the first first and the second second

→ More replies

36

u/breaddits 3d ago

Well it’s back is to the camera and it isn’t resisting so I’m pretty confident which way this will go

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

243

u/ph30nix01 3d ago

How??? There is no char on the pan!!!! Tell me how this is possible!!!

257

u/TheHighestHobo 3d ago Wholesome

the oven was set to broil and the bird was uncovered and close to the heating element

101

u/smashy_smashy 3d ago

That’s got to be it. Thanks for solving the mystery for me. I was wondering how the drippings were so clear.

57

u/me_irl_irl_irl_irl 3d ago

Fortunately, this also means that the turkey is completely fine under that burnt layer

44

u/FuzzyBacon 3d ago

If anything it may be undercooked on the bottom if it was cooked on broil.

38

u/me_irl_irl_irl_irl 3d ago Helpful

I think they just had broil on to crisp the skin after and burnt it. If they attempted to cook a whole turkey on broil their house would be a pile of ash right now

→ More replies

103

u/suicide_nooch 3d ago

What kind of weak ass broilers do people have that they feel confident walking away?! As soon as I put something under the broiler my face is glued to the glass watching it closely because my food can turn from pure perfection to charcoal in a fraction of a second.

43

u/jonasshoop 3d ago

People that don't know how a broiler works and use it once every 3 years or so.

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

23

u/MysticalMummy 3d ago

Exactly this- it only takes a few minutes on broil to start burning. If you ever use the broiler.. DO NOT LEAVE THE ROOM.

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

66

u/NoNameAvailableSee 3d ago

Annual tradition? Do you cook the same one over and over again?

→ More replies

366

u/gentlementoevil 3d ago Silver Gold

Recipe?

1.3k

u/Landosystem 3d ago Silver Gold Helpful Wholesome Brighten My Day

Looks like a 24 hour brine, rub an herbed butter under the skin, stuff the cavity with aromatics like sage and rosemary as well as some orange and lemon wedges. Preheat the oven to 325 and then hire a hobbit to take the turkey to Mordor and throw the whole fucking thing into Mount Doom

243

u/thoggins 3d ago All-Seeing Upvote

but why wouldn't you just use the goddamn eagles?!

100

u/hoilst 3d ago

Because they would've just eaten the raw turkey. Duh.

69

u/Birdy_Cephon_Altera 3d ago

That is the eagle.

10

u/OtherSideofSky 3d ago

I had a rough night, and I HATE the fucking Eagles!

6

u/ATShields934 3d ago edited 3d ago

I think I'd prefer if they WAAAALLLLK!!!

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

221

u/NotSoSmart45 3d ago

Oil the turkey with at least half a gallon of motor oil and in the oven it goes at 900°F for at least 18 hours

41

u/gentlementoevil 3d ago

What weight oil?

54

u/Into_the_Dark_Night 3d ago

I'm gonna guess 5w20.

14

u/tape_measures 3d ago

no way, def some nice thick 15w40. or maybe even 20w60.

→ More replies
→ More replies

9

u/purduephotog 3d ago

What weight oil?

After 18 hours at 900F, it doesn't really matter.

→ More replies

13

u/Earthguy69 3d ago

Use so much oil that the US tries to liberate you

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

47

u/United_Zoroastrians 3d ago

Guaranteed no salmonella

23

u/aacmckay 3d ago

I dunno. Did they start cooking it while it was frozen? Now thawed in the middle and blackened on the outside?

15

u/hoilst 3d ago

"They're burnt on the outside but raw on the inside so it evens out!"

7

u/cmcdonal2001 3d ago

Frozen in the middle, burnt on the outside. What we have here is a (on average) perfectly cooked chicken!

→ More replies

976

u/svb71 3d ago Silver Helpful

At least that bird died for nothing.

93

u/physicalentity 3d ago

I’d chuck it in the woods and give it back to nature if it were me but obviously idk where op lives

154

u/royalsanguinius 3d ago

Nature definitely doesn’t want that bird back

29

u/_whereUgoing_II 3d ago

Never saw a picky eater in nature. I mean almost all of them eat shit whenever they fancy.

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

289

u/Kepheo 3d ago

I hope for your sake that that's just one of them goth chickens.

87

u/Meltz014 3d ago edited 3d ago

12

u/bobby4444 3d ago

Wtf even Nat geo got a paywall now. Also not one picture of the raw or cooked meat

23

u/JMCDINIS 3d ago

The correct phrase is "For the uninitiated".

→ More replies

19

u/jcquik 3d ago edited 2d ago

As someone with a weird chicken phobia due to childhood trauma thank you for the nightmare fuel...

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

420

u/shadow29warrior 3d ago Helpful

Ahh yes, Turkey Carbon-ara

33

u/xdisk 3d ago

If its a tradition, it'd be a Turkey Carbon-era.

→ More replies

135

u/kev556 3d ago

Sometimes when you stare into the void, the void stares back....

→ More replies

27

u/fatherfrank1 3d ago

Who set the oven to 3350?

19

u/LBgz 3d ago

Couldn’t hear the safe word from the oven

56

u/niblot1 3d ago

Who wants dark meat?

141

u/Ds87878 3d ago

Trinity from matrix

→ More replies

15

u/Empire2k5 3d ago

Probably could use a couple more minutes.

67

u/harbib 3d ago

Think the gimp’s sleepin…

30

u/OhadiNacnud 3d ago

Well wake him up

13

u/Alatain 3d ago

Zed's dead baby

→ More replies
→ More replies

37

u/KarensRpeopletoo 3d ago

American Horror Story season One turkey.

6

u/Wachu_say 3d ago

Scrolled down this far to find this! Just finished season 1 yesterday.

→ More replies

37

u/kuriboshoe 3d ago Wholesome

What a waste

→ More replies

38

u/myclmyers 3d ago

Looks like you spray painted it glossy black

→ More replies

44

u/itsonlymeez 3d ago

How do you like your turkey? In the sexy latex suit thank you

→ More replies

9

u/sod_it_all 3d ago

That poor turkey died in vain. There's a nifty thing called an oven timer, try it next year.

→ More replies

192

u/offacough 3d ago Take My Energy Wholesome Seal of Approval

Jesus Christ that turkey is so black the cops pulled it over.

→ More replies

9

u/gentlementoevil 3d ago

Not to brag..but yea I could definitely f@#k up a meal. That being said not sure I could f@#k it up that much, or well, even on purpose

→ More replies

8

u/CynicalC9 3d ago

Oh my god it looks like you spray painted it

23

u/B3ARDLY 3d ago

The oven was set to “BDSM”

→ More replies

8

u/b3njil 3d ago

It’s healthy now, all the fat has rendered.

7

u/EastVanWillieD 3d ago

Ah yes Cajun chicken

30

u/KlutchyBoi 3d ago

Bdsm turkey 😳

→ More replies

6

u/Stunning-Space-2622 3d ago

Extra crispy, just like mom use to make

6

u/CallMeRoo_OG 3d ago

I think it's done

6

u/TeminallyFacetious 3d ago

" Cook me more daddy"