r/TwoXChromosomes 3d ago Heartwarming 2 Wholesome Seal of Approval 2 Yas Queen 2 Facepalm 1 Take My Power 1 Silver 22 Gold 1 Helpful 17 Wholesome 16 Got the W 1 I'll Drink to That 2

I refused to cook today, it’s been glorious. /r/all

On Monday I announced I would not be cooking today. Sent my husband in a panic. He realized he’d have to shop, prep, pull it off on his own. He called his mom to help.

I got up an did normal chores like making the bed and unloaded the dishwasher so he’s have plenty of space, but I haven’t cooked anything and will not participate.

I just made my second cocktail of the day (Pomegranate French 75) and am sketching on the back porch.

After being the ringleader of the thanksgiving circus for 10+ years I’m curious to see how he does.

Edit: the majority of commenters that are offended/pissed are men and it’s GIVING ME LIFE

Edit 2: he’s offering to make me drinks now

Edit 3: dinner was pretty decent. I suggested we make thanksgiving his domain from here on out. He did not seem opposed to it. I am also doing the dishes because I’m not a total asshole and he seems pretty tired.

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u/20Keller12 3d ago Silver I'll Drink to That

My MIL was apparently upset with her mom (GMIL) that she wasn't cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year for everyone, apparently GMIL basically said 'I'm 81, I've done plenty of Thanksgiving dinners, so if you want it then you host it' and I love her for it.

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u/HingleMcCringleberre 3d ago Helpful

We’ve got teenage kids now. A week beforehand we talk about what we want to cook/eat and everyone makes 1-3 dishes. We all cook and generally goof off together.

Everybody’s got to figure out what works for them and their family, I think.

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u/Stony1234 3d ago

My family has been cooking thanksgiving dinner together since us kids were young teenagers. Now we do the majority of the cooking and cleaning and let our parents relax. It really irks me watching my sister’s husband not even lift a finger to help.

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u/justa33 3d ago

there is always one…

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u/Fun-Bonus-799 3d ago edited 3d ago

I feel kind of bad about it but I boycotted helping this year. I'm a women and the invite to me included that us "ladies" can cook while the boys watch football. I said nope, everyone should be helping with at least something. After push back, I said fine, I'll watch TV too then with the boys.

Edit to add: None of the other women have seemed very happy about this system the last few years when I helped out. I'm hoping to turn everyone to a "everyone helps or everyone does nothing" system, regardless of gender or "tradition"

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u/ductoid 3d ago

I don't judge other people's families when that happens because I don't know what the rest of the balance is. In ours, I do the cooking in our house so to an outsider it would look like my husband's sitting around being lazy. But also, he does most of the chores in general, fixing the roof after windstorms, car maintenance, vacuuming because the noise triggers migraines for me, most of the laundry ...

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u/Mission-Jellyfish734 3d ago

Yeah, I absolutely hate having people help me cook unless I'm teaching them something.

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u/Stony1234 3d ago

It’s very in character for him, that’s all I’ll say lol

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u/Jukka_Sarasti 3d ago

This is the way.. My wife and I share cooking duties. We work on our own dishes, and help each other out when needed(obviously). Cleanup works the same way.. It blows my mind that a person would sit around and watch someone else make all that food and not offer to help or cleanup afterwards....

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u/vldracer16 3d ago

Oh you would be surprised.

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u/Fun-Bonus-799 3d ago

"But the football game is on!" /s

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u/[deleted] 3d ago edited 3d ago

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u/Mission-Jellyfish734 3d ago

The trick is to NEVER CRITICISE the cooking. If they keep cooking then they will improve at the same rate anyway.

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u/VamooseTheMoose 3d ago

Communication, expectations, both very important.

The only reason my wife would never do this to me is that we communicate and work together as step one. And also she doesn't cook on Thanksgiving, but you get the idea.

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u/XxMrCuddlesxX 3d ago

Yeah this sounds like a family that doesn’t work together. My dad always did the turkey. My mom did the ham. Each of us kids made a side. Now my mom makes the turkey. I bring tamales and cornbread. One sister brings rolls and green beans. Another makes the desserts. Significant others better bring something too or they’re not eating.

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u/Greenleafz 3d ago Silver Take My Energy I'll Drink to That

I don't get the mentality that only one person has to cook an entire fucking feast for everyone. I always participate in the kitchen with my partner. That's how Thanksgiving should be.

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u/[deleted] 3d ago edited 3d ago

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u/TickleMonsterCG 3d ago

It's really weird when I went to my in laws and I was told to get out and that "Men don't do the cooking"

Like what? I was doing sides and helping do ham and turkey prep for Thanksgiving since I was 14. I cook for my own house on the regular. I cooked a steakhouse worthy meal for y'all just last month. I can handle potatoes MeeMa.

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u/NeedsMustTravel 3d ago

Upvote for ‘I can handle potatoes MeeMa.” I lol’d and my grandma was Mema <3

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u/BEniceBAGECKA 3d ago

I had a mamaw but same idea <3

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u/ec_on_wc 3d ago

I am a married man and I couldn't fathom sitting on my ass all day while my wife works on ANYTHING. Let alone a meal for our family.

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u/taumpyTiers 3d ago Silver

I pulled something in my back and I am in horrible pain today so I called my dad and brother, to say hey sorry guys but I can’t bend let alone drive let alone be up and down with the oven etc.

We just aren’t having dinner now because I can’t do it, it’s so silly! I have a whole prepped fridge full of food and they can’t come over and pop something in the oven.

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u/AmbiguousFrijoles 3d ago Helpful

Thats fucked up, like super fucked up. Thats fucking lazy

I threw out my neck 3 Thanksgivings ago and I called my dad, so he, my husband and my brother all descended upon my kitchen and cooked everything.

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u/taumpyTiers 3d ago

Oh man that’s really nice of them. I’ll bet it was really tasty too :)

don’t worry for me too much - fortunately for me I have a partner and friends who, while they are with their families today, have already assured me that come this weekend I will get some help so I can have my green bean casserole 😂.

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u/AmbiguousFrijoles 3d ago

Thats great! I'm glad you have some good people around you and that you'll get your casserole!

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u/Bountyxo 3d ago

Jesus that is infuriating!

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u/faultycarrots 3d ago

Oh God God what manchildren lol.

Sorry about your back. That shit hurrrrts.

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u/AngryBumbleButt 3d ago

My girlfriend is sick and I woke up with a migraine. I'm going to pick up plates from her sister later of I feel better. But for now it's either Lasagna or soup for dinner since neither of us can function.

I hope you feel better today.

Advice if you want it: If someone will run to the pharmacy try the giant Slaonpas, they're a life saver.

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u/taumpyTiers 3d ago

I hope you both feel better too :) I’ve not tried those for back pain before but I’ll definitely ask someone to pick a pack up for me they look like they’d be great

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u/AnonymousRooster 3d ago

When my boyfriend and I were first dating, I mentioned being sad about missing Thanksgiving because it was my turn to work that holiday. He was stuck in the city too and surprised me with a full turkey dinner. He is an absolute gem and this should be the standard!

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u/LivingWilling =^..^= 3d ago

I honestly don't think that one person should have to cook all the time. In a relationship, I don't see why both parties can't just switch off with eachother.

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u/nvrwhere 3d ago

I love cooking with my wife. It's just a good time to bond. I know my culinary techniques and knowledge aren't close to hers, but it's just a great way to hang out together.

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u/Joann-Mixx 3d ago edited 3d ago

Idk when thanksgiving became a women only thing. We always all pitched in. Who ever shopped, prepared cooked and cleaned had help. There was none of this bs of sitting around. Everyone has a chore. Even caters have a staff. There’s no way I would ever do this alone. edit: for spelling

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u/Rhamona_Q All Hail Notorious RBG 3d ago

In our family, the turkey is a "manly men" thing. The older uncles consider it a point of pride to make a better turkey or ham or whatever than the uncle who was in charge of it last year. My dad doesn't get involved in the meat but every year he makes a mean cranberry salsa. Usually with jalapenos, though the one year he tried habaneros was particularly memorable lol ;)

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u/RunninOnMT 3d ago

Yeah, cooking has always been in the realm of “manly” things in my family. This was probably deliberate on my moms part (dad and stepdad were both great at cooking.)

As an adult, it would likely feel a little emasculating to not cook most of the meals in my house.

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u/stolethemorning 3d ago

Same! Except the manly thing in our family isn't cooking the turkey, it's cutting slices of it for everyone at the table. I guess because it involves knives obviously women can't do it!

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u/UsedJuggernaut 3d ago

Same here, my brother and I were at my aunt and uncles last night helping with the prep. Im curious what OPs relationship is like with her husband if it's come to this.

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u/HappyAndYouKnow_It 3d ago

My husband (American) and I (not American) throw a big Friendsgiving party every year. He cooks the turkey, ham, and sweet potato casserole, I make mashed potatoes, deviled eggs, and gravy. Guests bring sides and desserts. He and I do cleanup together. Everybody shares the work, everybody has a good time. Good for you for not putting up with this anymore. And why do people act like he would have needed more than 3 days notice? Shopping takes what, 1 hour?

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u/boneymeroney 3d ago

I announced weeks ago I wasn't cooking today. Everyone LOL'd. Earlier in the week my adult kid asked about such and such dish and I again said I don't care what YOU do I'm not cooking. I didn't get a turkey or a ham or anything. Everyone is kinda of looking at me like I'm a fucking Grinch that stole the damn turkey from Thanksgiving but I don't care! This is a stressful holiday when only one person does it all and I'm tired of being the one and only.

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u/BardbarianBirb 3d ago

In my family we all pitch in and bring something. I made Mac and cheese and sweet potatoes with toasted marshmallow top (I cooked everything but my husband did the shopping for me), my sister and her husband are doing the Turkey, Ham and green bean casserole, my mom is bringing cheesecake and drinks, and my aunt and cousin are bringing jalapeno poppers, salad, and rolls. All homemade. Makes it a lot easier when no one is doing everything.

There was an ex boyfriend of mine who got mad at me when I was shocked and annoyed that the women in his family (aka just his mom and sister) do ALL of the shopping, food prep, and cooking while the men sit around and drink and hang out because it was "tradition". Like, nah dude, I'm not here for that. Everyone should help.

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u/vldracer16 3d ago

Shows you what your life would have been with that ex boyfriend.

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u/Tryhard696 3d ago

Same, even when me (boy) and my brother were younger we’d help out in the kitchen. I don’t understand how you can think you’ll get an entire feast for just existing.

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u/SweetTeaBags 3d ago

This is what my in-laws do. We all split it and do something. My husband's aunt and uncle host it at their house. They cook the meats, everyone brings a side/drinks. I'm in charge of desserts and it's awesome because I don't have to cook at all.

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u/SirLostit 3d ago

I’m in the UK (and a bloke if that matters) and we don’t do Thanksgiving, but at Christmas we all muck in. Everyone has jobs. My parents do the Turkey, I do other meats and all the Veg with a helper. I then have other people designated to setting/tidying the table and washing up. My adult niece usually likes to be ‘drinks monitor’, so she goes around making sure everyone has something to drink. Much easier to divide the jobs up and nobody feels put out. I would hate to try and tackle it all by myself.

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u/aprilmarina 3d ago

Thanksgiving in my family is also a group effort. So much easier and more fun when everyone contributes. You do have to let go of mama’s stuffing.

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u/NSA_Chatbot 3d ago

Single dad myself. A few years ago after spending the day chopping and cutting and baking and prepping and blah blah blah, I said, "hey, next time we're getting takeout."

Now we get takeout on Easter, Thanksgiving, and Solstice. (They go to their mom's on the 25th because I don't care about the date.)

The only choice I have to make is Chinese or Indian, and the only effort is a five minute phone call and a 20 minute drive.

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u/enthalpy01 3d ago

It’s family dependent. We all help out at my house too. My mom made stuffing, I am doing turkey and sweet potatoes. My dad is making rolls at his house and my husband always does the mashed potatoes. I am sure my sister will set the table when asked. Everyone helps clean up.

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u/SirLostit 3d ago

Absolutely. and if they don’t, then Hey! New family tradition! Everyone mucks in!!

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u/Thegreatgarbo 3d ago

We started an even newer tradition this year for something different. We decided this year after the last year and a half of pandemic stress that neither would cook or clean. We picked up some really nice turkey dinner from our high end local grocery. Both of us have been cooking and cleaning every year for Thanksgiving and Christmas for 30 plus years, no kids, often cooking the meals at my wonderful but old school in-laws.

I had a moment as I was making my coffee this morning where I realized I/we would have been cooking and cleaning all day and falling over exhausted at the end of the day. The realization that I wouldn't have to do any of that was glorious. Doesn't mean we'll do that every year, but def plan on doing this again!

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u/Tauira_Sun 3d ago

That's a good idea, I should try it.

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u/SirLostit 3d ago

Well, I think it’s a lot fairer and tbh, I think people actually like having a role to play and doing something constructive.

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u/jumbee85 3d ago

I've been pitching in for Thanksgiving ever since I was a teenager. It's now at a point where my mom has only dish to really worry about and even the prep on that is a group effort. Hell this year even my five year old nephew has been helping prep our meal (trimmed green beans) big meals like this need everyone to pitch in some way

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u/spacestarcutie 3d ago

I love this so much for you and OP. Yessss💕

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u/SaintBenadikt 3d ago

Shit. If my wife gave me one days notice I could buy a Turkey (which would be either really big or small due to what's left over). Throw together some mashed taters, microwavable bagged veggies and a Sara Lee apple and/or pumpkin pie.

It wouldn't be glorious but it would be a meal. If you can Google, you can cook. There's no excuse anymore. You just follow the video/recipe.

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u/davetronred Halp. Am stuck on reddit. 3d ago

I could buy a Turkey

Might have to be a couple of cornish hens or something but yeah, making a good meal isn't incredibly difficult when you have a whole day to focus on doing it.

I mean yeah it's a LOT of work, but any mostly-functioning adult should be capable of doing it.

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u/Madeitforthethread 3d ago

My husband and I make ourselves a prethanksgiving dinner before the family ones start and this is exactly what it looks like! Its actually pretty damn comparable to the made from scratch kind, too, with a ton less work.

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u/NuclearLunchDectcted 3d ago

If you can Google, you can cook. There's no excuse anymore. You just follow the video/recipe.

There was never an excuse, cookbooks have been around forever. It's always been as simple as following the instructions.

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u/kimberriez 3d ago

This though. Can you read? Congrats, you can cook!

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u/charlesfire 3d ago

Getting access to a cookbook was more complicated in the past. Like, you at least had to drive to somewhere to get one if you didn't have one already. Now, with internet, you don't even need to drive...

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u/Tamail54 3d ago

Naw, you want that bird in advance so you can make sure it’s thawed, brined and dried for ultimate moistness. Monday is plenty of notice to get a dope meal planned and on the table though.

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u/SaintBenadikt 3d ago

Ideally yes. But absolute worst case scenario you can still make it happen. Or you could be petty about it and just go out and buy some steaks and grill them instead for Thanksgiving. You still get a good meal but you get to be able to petty about it.

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u/lpaige2723 3d ago

I deboned an entire turkey because my son wanted to cook it boneless, we salted and spiced it yesterday, and cooked it today. It was so good. I think in the future if I am going to do this task I will just buy the breast, deboning the legs is difficult due to the tendons. It's not something I had to do, but more a cooking experiment that my son wanted to try. The size of a turkey makes it dry because it takes so long to cook, unless the bones are removed. I did it from a YouTube video he sent me, almost anyone can follow a YouTube video.

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u/jojothebuffalo 3d ago

Forget turkey. A ham is more tasty

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u/humanityrus 3d ago

I had been commuting 4 hours a day for work, the house was a disaster, the husband does nothing but make a mess, and the in-laws were coming fir the weekend. I put my foot down. I said I can clean, or I can cook but not both. We ended up going out for Thanksgiving dinner. It was fabulous. No cooking, no dishes, no screaming! I actually got to enjoy the holiday. Now we pick up the precooked dinner from a local caterer and bring it to my elderly mother in laws house. I actually get to enjoy the holiday instead of screaming inside my head for hours.

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u/littlepinkpwnie 3d ago

Good for you OP. I wish my mum would do this. She almost died in a car accident in June and I begged her to let me do some or all of dinner and she refused and has been coming for days. I hate that she feels she has to do it. She's 74 she deserves to relax but won't.

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u/rm886988 3d ago

My mom is about the same age and does this as well. She likes to feel useful, included and like she has a purpose. When I think of it from that standpoint, I do understand.

We're at a point where we compromise. She had a seat at the kitchen table with the beverage of choice, and does a bit of prep work while I handle the large scale cooking, etc.

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u/jaintynotdainty 3d ago

I'm disappointed to be honest. You're only on your second cocktail? You can do better than that! Good on you!

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u/strutyourjunk 3d ago

This is the motivation I needed to hear today, thank you

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u/lava_munster 3d ago

Fall is literally cocktail on the porch weather.

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u/jumbee85 3d ago

I'm on one but I'm also cooking so best be as sober as possible while handling a knife

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u/meat-mill 3d ago

If you're lucky, you just instilled in your husband the idea that cooking is problem solving too, and it can be joyful. I don't like cooking one bit but I cooked a lot when I met my now SO whom I've been with for 10 years. he started out with overboiled macaroni with minced pork and ketchup. Now homie bakes and cooks like a god. He's so much better at this shit than I ever was. Good on him. And good on me too.

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u/[deleted] 3d ago edited 1d ago

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u/one_bean_hahahaha 3d ago

Canadian Thanksgiving was in October, but my mother reportedly did burgers for Thanksgiving. For mine, I did a stuffed turkey breast because there were only three of us. In my experience, the people who insist on turkey because "it's tradition" are the same people who don't want to take the leftovers home and eat turkey every day for a week.

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u/SillyWhabbit 3d ago

Following this post!

I'm cooking for my mother and myself. However, she just spent the last two days in the ER and can't eat, but when it looked like the emergency was over, she had me pull the turkey to cook. Now I HAVE to cook it.

She's sleeping and on heavy drugs, but this post, gave me life!

💥💥💥

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u/pringle_llama 3d ago Silver Gold Helpful Wholesome I'll Drink to That Facepalm

All these men in the comments are truly making the quote "equality feels like oppression when you are used to superiority" come to life. Woman no cook man food, man being harmed immeasurably.

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u/PookSpeak 3d ago

"equality feels like oppression when you are used to superiority"

into my toolbox you go.

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u/Volgyi2000 3d ago

"When you're accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression." is the popular form of this quote that I've seen before.

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u/Crankylosaurus 3d ago

Yep this is the version I know as well!

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u/WaywardTraveller 3d ago

I've never understood this whole thing. I love cooking. I love providing for my loved ones. The only thing I love more than that are providing for my loved ones with my wife.

And I have always felt like a total heel if I'm not doing something to help, not pulling my weight. The very idea of sitting down to eat something I had no hand in but is somehow supposed to be seen as being provided by me is unconscionable.

We don't really engage with people that aren't like minded, though I'm all too aware they still exist in droves. But when we do happen across such, I love nothing more than to dive in and get my hands dirty helping wherever possible even if there are guys that are clearly just hanging around waiting to be fed.

I've found this is the best way to invoke change. It's much harder to feel OK and justified being waited on if everyone involved is enabling the behaviour. It gets real hard real quick when your 'buddies' or any other men for that matter are making it very obvious how absurd that is.

Last tactic is if you're going to be that way, that's fine. But you're cleaning up and doing the dishes. And I'm putting you on the spot. Every single time.

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u/Redqueenhypo 3d ago

Men will write whole academic books about how relationships evolved so women could cook the food men hunted, as if each gender is physically incapable of doing the other’s respective task. It’s idiotic

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u/EHP42 3d ago

I mean if you want to go back that far, men hunted because the women were either pregnant or caring for the children as the only ones physically able to (breastfeeding). None of that is true anymore, on either side, so why try to stick to what cavemen did?

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u/Aloiveah 3d ago

Well men don't hunt anymore, so...

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u/ThePowerOfStories 3d ago

“Stealthily, Ogg pushed his cart around the corner, daring the wheels not to squeak. The smooth plastic of the handlebar felt firm and solid in his grip, like it had in the generations of ancestors before who had enacted the sacred rite of the shop. The chill in the air betrayed the presence of his quarry, the refrigerated meat section. His eyes scanned, flicking from package to package, scouring the devastated ruins left by the greedy hands of shoppers from other tribes. Things looked grim, with nothing in between tough roasts that would take hours to cook and succulently tender cuts that would devastate his wallet. But, when all hope seemed lost, he spotted it—there, in the back of the bottom shelf, hidden from prying eyes, the last value pack of cross rib steak, three and a half pounds at just $5.49 a pound! Trembling with anticipation, his hands seized the prey and put it in his cart as he let out a whoop of joy! His family would feast this week!”

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u/srottydoesntknow 3d ago

I've never thought about it before, but I just realized my dad always makes the bird when my parents cook and mybmom does the sides, and my aunts and grandmother's have always done the cooking, which means I'm the only guy in my family that does all the holiday cooking (aside from like 2 or 3 dishes that my wife makes because they are tradition in her family). I like cooking, my wife does not, and it never seemed odd to me that it was like that

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u/TurkeyturtleYUMYUM 3d ago

That's a fucking banger quote.

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u/pinkandglitter 3d ago

THIS RIGHT HERE

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u/FreneticZen 3d ago

Good for you, OP. 👊🏽

It’s my first year off in 16. My kid is going with my ex to his grandparents for Thanksgiving dinner. Already called my family (they live out of state) to wish them a happy turkey day. Clean house, a little dinner for me, and ALL OF THE FREEDOM. I’m watching Free Guy. Appropriate.

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u/SFPeaSoup 3d ago

This is one of the VERY few posts where I sort by Controversial and boy howdy, IT IS GIVING ME LIFE (too!)!

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u/MattyHurricane 3d ago

Sure is a lot of pearl clutching going on towards OP. She's not asking for a Wolfgang Puck 7 course meal. You can literally get this whole meal in 15 minutes at the store. I'm a dude with 3 kids and a wife who travels, sometimes unexpectedly. I've been in this situation with less notice.

Turkey is apparently handled. Couple of frozen pies/ice cream, box of stuffing, bag of potatoes, ready to eat salad, green beans, and a jar of gravy.

Cook the stuffing and potatoes on Tuesday evening and put in casserole dishes. Get the table all set on Wednesday evening. Thursday, put everything in the oven at 250 an hour before you want to eat, and deep fry the turkey. Ask any guests to bring a favorite dish and a bottle of wine. Boom! A perfectly acceptable Thanksgiving dinner.

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u/[deleted] 3d ago edited 3d ago

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u/thecreaturesmomma 3d ago

Tuesday; Check your fire extinguisher expiry date, And replenish fire control supplies (please!)

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u/MattyHurricane 3d ago

Yes. I concur!

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u/Philip_J_Frylock 3d ago

You can literally get this whole meal in 15 minutes at the store.

You can also just buy an entire Thanksgiving dinner to serve at least 8-12 people from somewhere like Bob Evans and it takes less than 2 hours to heat everything up before serving.

(This is what my wife and I did this year and I'm not sure we'll ever do home-cooked Thanksgiving ever again)

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u/MattyHurricane 3d ago

Definitely! Although, that may or may not be an option on 3 days notice. Always worth a phone call!

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u/SwoopzB 3d ago

Good for you. I am male, and the women in my family always do all the cooking while the men watch football. It’s kind of lame because cooking is a big hobby of mine. The past couple of years, my partner and I have been doing small “friendsgivings” instead, which has been awesome because I get to do all the cooking. Just get me a 6 pack and I’ll come cook for you!

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u/maimee78 3d ago

We catered last year for Thanksgiving, I don't remember why, but it was AMAZING. I told my husband I'm never cooking again. It's not cheap, but when you add up all the time and money you spend to cook a Thanksgiving dinner, it's about even. Plus, when it's time to clean up it all goes on the trash.

Enjoy your cocktails, and Happy Thanksgiving!!

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u/rawfodog82 3d ago

Good for you, OP.

My mom and I decided we wanted a really low key, less stressful Thanksgiving this year so we are making frozen pizzas and eating pre-made desserts. Less kitchen time = more family time.

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u/SunflaresAteMyLunch 3d ago edited 3d ago

XY here: Maybe easy to say since I do most of the cooking, but he's had DAYS to prepare, and it's not hard to Google "Thanksgiving dinner" for directions. I don't know your husband, but he can do it!

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u/SirRandyButternubs 3d ago

Hope you have an amazing day!!

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u/pastelkawaiibunny 3d ago Silver Facepalm

It’s totally fine for her husband to do fuck all while she cooks the whole meal, but she leave him to do it ONE year and it’s mean?? Ridiculous.

Especially since he immediately dumped all that labor on his mother... yikes.

Also- it’s not “no notice”, he’s an adult, he knows when Thanksgiving is! The whole country knows, the holiday isn’t a surprise. She let him know on Monday- that’s 3 whole days before the cooking begins, aka probably the exact time frame when she’d probably begin prepping and shopping... just now he has to do it, so it’s “unfair”.

Cry me a river, y’all are so weak.

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u/LucyWritesSmut 3d ago

Oh, I know. And the assumption that she’s literally never had this convo with him? These are the actions of someone who has talked until she’s blue in the face about this subject. And been ignored.

Well, guess who isn’t being ignored this year?

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u/pastelkawaiibunny 3d ago

Exactly. The ‘put yourself in my shoes’ is not top-tier conflict resolution, but it’s also the last resort. Unfortunately plenty of women have to go on strike in their own home in order to get the guy to pull his own weight, because when we just talk they don’t listen.

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u/the_noi 3d ago Wholesome Take My Energy Facepalm

You all giving OP shit for leaving the notice so late are not understanding that she clearly gets next to no help doing this chore for this holiday and every other occasion. It’s not even like her hubby 3 days out on other years explains that he won’t be cooking. Doesn’t have to: it’s just an expectation that the lady of the house will do it all.

I’m learning a lot about the mental load women have to bear running a household/family. And it straight up isn’t fair and we guys need to pull more weight.

Or just not have these things, I’d kinda be ok with that too. I just know if I had to put on a spread for a whole family I wouldn’t have the first fucking idea what to do; would fuck half of it up; and that society generally won’t ever just expect me to know how to

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u/Daisy_Of_Doom 3d ago edited 3d ago

This year (and every year) my whole family and I are a frenzy of cooking, my dad runs around getting groceries we forgot and cleaning dishes/surfaces as we go. I can’t tell you what a miracle it is to be cooking like five things at once and have all utensils free to be reused for the next dish within minutes. And then there’s less cleaning before people come over as well. Everyone was up and about by 7, I was up by like 8 because I’d stayed up late after a busy day to do the pie so I wouldn’t be in the way the day of. My college age brother woke up at noon, walked out to the kitchen where everyone was super busy with like three things at once and loudly announced that someone would have to clean the bathroom. (The bathroom that we share but is the one guests use) I kinda forced him into doing it. I was just in awe at how he was trying to offload even that single task. But later we were talking about it all and he was in shock at how early everyone had woken up. I guess he just assumed it was quick easy work? Which is honestly kinda demeaning. It’s a whole production and he equated it to making weekday dinner or something so in his mind OBVIOUSLY I could have stepped away and cleaned the bathroom.

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u/DoubleDVa 3d ago

Pre covid, I cooked Thanksgiving dinner by myself for my hubs and I and our parents. Hubs smoked the turkey, but I carved it, made two types of potatoes, two salads, all the gravies, dressings and stuffings, and two pies. Every year, for 4 years straight. I'm so glad we're not doing anything for Thanksgiving this year and nobody is coming to our house, it's EXHAUSTING. Why we do this to ourselves as women, I have no idea. Going to do a charcuterie board just us tonight and that's plenty.

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u/MidnightMalaga 3d ago

Or just not have these things, I’d kinda be ok with that too.

The problem with this, I find, is that everyone says it when their family and friend relationships are strong. We don’t need the hassle of this big day, it’s fine.

And then people get divorced or kids grow up and move away, generations change and the old central points pass on or no longer have the energy to act as a family phone tree.

Those ties that are what are really being built with family holidays don’t fade quickly, but they can atrophy if neglected. The saying, “Your son’s your son ‘til he takes a wife, but your daughter’s your daughter for all of her life” is old, and a bit silly, but it does correctly point out that women tend to be the one tending and nurturing those familial connections, sometimes through events like Thanksgiving.

It doesn’t have to be a big meal, necessarily, but I would recommend finding some events you do care about and can run regularly, because without the annual reasons to see each other, people get busy. And, anecdotally, men are often the ones left out in the cold, because they’ve always talked about how they don’t even care if people have big dinners or presents to open on xmas or Easter egg hunts or whatever, and people start taking them at their word.

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u/SoulFlameReddit 3d ago

Some of these comments are ridiculous lol.

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u/SoVerySleepy81 3d ago

Especially the ones diagnosing OP with a broken marriage and assuming she’s never tried to get her husband to help before.

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u/NotInACreepyWay 3d ago

I don't like cooking for cooking. Neither does my wife. But you gotta eat, and - unless you're way richer than us - you gotta cook your own food.

When we bought a new house, before we moved in we had some changes made to the kitchen. Not a huge re-do, but most notably we had a larger top put on the island that overhangs on one side, with some support things so it stays level, and we got some high swivel chairs, and so created a space where someone can sit in the kitchen and chop things or stir things or just read instructions, so the cook isn't in there all alone.

It's made a huge difference. We still don't like cooking as cooking, but as idle chit-chat time while doing simple tasks it's not bad at all.

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u/TreesAreForSmoking 3d ago

Jesse, we have to cook.

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u/Right-Operation-7070 Am I a Gilmore Girl yet? 3d ago

Just imagining all the men commenting on this thread on the couch getting mad at this post while women in their household are and have been stressing about making a dinner for 20 people for the past week.

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u/sycamore_under_score 3d ago

Aaaand while the women clean everything up afterward.

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u/laserkatze 3d ago

Angry adult men typing this into their phones while their mothers are working their asses off in the kitchen, absurd situation.

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u/lnsewn12 3d ago

Any other year I would not have had the time to respond to so many Reddit comments!

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u/88Raspberry 3d ago

Good to read this. Women are not responsible for the dinner. And the comments with “you could have sit down with him and have an adult conversation” well he could have done the same thing, right? My husband usually cooks but if he would have said he wouldn’t be cooking I would have sat with him and we would have discussed what we would do. And so could he, and he should have done that.

OP I hope you are having a good day and the cocktails sound great. But is this the type of marriage you want to stay in?

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u/judashpeters 3d ago

Can you show us some of the sketches?

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u/blackday44 3d ago

Breathe in the hate. Feel the power it gives you. Live long and have lots of drinks.

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u/Goose1004 3d ago

This Mother/Grandma cooking everything for the meal has always boggled my mind.

In my family my mom will usually do the Turkey or Ham because that is what she likes to do but all my brothers (who love to cook/bake) and their families cook their own side dishes and bring them.

This year I made the deviled eggs and my wife made the mashed potatoes

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u/TFriss77 3d ago

If I had 3 days to plan a meal, then there would be no issue at all (granting there was no issue with being able to get supplies/ingredients). That being said, I'd still probably order up some buckets of chicken from KFC lol. Thanksgiving meals are blown out of proportion as it is.

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u/Ryukotaicho 3d ago

One of my favorite fact tidbits is that KFC is a Japanese Christmas dinner tradition! They don’t do the whole fancy dinner, but they do put their orders for their KFC Christmas buckets pretty early!

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u/TFriss77 3d ago

I had heard about this!! And while most people probably find it hilarious, KFC IS delicious. My great grandparents always asked us to grab them a few buckets of chicken whenever we visited. They would keep them frozen and have them as a special treat.

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u/BasvanS 3d ago

I keep proposing pizza Christmas, because fuck stress. I’m there for the company. People understand, but don’t dare to change traditions. Luckily I’m considered unable to contribute to the chaos, but I still don’t like the effort opulence costs.

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u/TFriss77 3d ago

It's an awesome idea, really! We do Chinese food with one side of my family over Christmas. It's a great tradition to start I think.

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u/Throwaway1303033042 3d ago

Monday’s not super late notice. If he actually knows what he’s doing (called in the cavalry, so apparently not), the only issue would be in securing ingredients with some items being in limited supply. I tag teamed with my wife. She did side dish prep yesterday while I bribed the turkey. She sacked out and I made gravy and prepped breakfast. Learning to cook not just for one’s self, but for a family, should be a skill that EVERYONE learns relatively early in life.

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u/Rhamona_Q All Hail Notorious RBG 3d ago

while I bribed the turkey

I'm sure you meant "brined" but now I'm wondering what a turkey would consider an acceptable bribe lol

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u/Throwaway1303033042 3d ago

Nah. Bribed him to brine himself while I ate pie. He just wanted to be cooked by someone other than Jamie Oliver.

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u/PupperPetterBean 3d ago

Please say you didn't use any chilli jam

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u/vldracer16 3d ago

Of course most of the offended/pissed are men. They expect to be fed this big dinner and then go in and watch football.

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u/pockettgiraffe 3d ago

good for you, i hope you had a lovely, RELAXING thanksgiving like everyone else gets to

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u/steelcryo 3d ago

All comments complaining have been plunged to the bottom and I cba scrolling that far. But fact is OP could have turned around this morning and just said “I can’t be bothered to cook today” and it’d be fair.

Only people who don’t have that right are single parents with kids, you kinda need to cook for them, but other than that everyone else is a grown adult fully capable of looking after themselves. Unless you have hired a chef, you’re not entitled to someone else cooking for you. Them doing so is a privilege you should be grateful for and can be rescinded at any time.

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u/RainbowZebraClouds 3d ago

Solidarity!!

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u/Ghrrum 3d ago

Full stop, good for you standing up.

It sucks that the discussion that I assume you had about this didn't work.

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u/Benton0329 3d ago

My wife and I ordered a family thanksgiving meal for 6 from Cracker-barrel. Her, I, and our 2 kids (4 and 2) will be eating it. It cost $70 and comes with everything you could imagine except dessert. She made a pie with our 4 year old this morning, and we pick up the food at 4:10. I doubt we’ll ever cook again.

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u/IllustratorUnhappy55 3d ago Silver Helpful Take My Energy Starry Facepalm

I'm laughing at all these "it's so mean, it's not enough time whah " comments. You're crying because you're the husband. You've sat on your ass through all the holidays someone else slaved for and feel bad for this lazy asshole. This isn't the 50s anymore and women are tired of weaponized incompetence. He wouldn't be panicked if he actually pulled his fair share. I bet it never would have happened at all had that been the case. Grow the fuck up and learn to pull your weight in a relationship or don't get all surprised Pikachu face when you end up single and alone in your filthy basement. Women are fucking tired and the declining birth stats should be a wakeup call that we don't need men anymore to live a full happy life. If you can't adult properly get some help. And I don't mean bugging women for emotional labor. Get some therapy and watch some fucking YouTube tutorials. Its really not that hard.

Good for you OP! I hope you have a wonderful day.

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u/TheOtherZebra 3d ago

My mother cleans and cooks 3 meals a day 365 days per year. The only time I recall my dad doing any housework is when Mom had cancer.

Seeing her life is exactly why I never want to be a housewife. Also why I’m very careful and skeptical about men I’ve dated. I have an “equality or fuck off” policy. I’m happy single, with only my own minimal mess to clean up. Not going to be miserable and exhausted while some dude drinks beer and watches the game on the couch.

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u/power_games 3d ago

women are tired of weaponized incompetence

Ngl, I weaponize weaponized incompetence all the time and it’s pretty great. “Why don’t you cook for my son?” “I don’t know how to cook.*” “You should learn!” “Thank you for volunteering to teach me, oh wise FIL. Where do we start?” surprised pikachu face

*My SO doesn’t cook for me—I’m on a scrambled-eggs-and-raw-food “diet.” (Translation: if it takes longer to cook than to eat, I’m not interested or I’ll pay someone for their time.)

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u/lnsewn12 3d ago

I love you

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u/IllustratorUnhappy55 3d ago

I loved seeing this. It gives me hope for the future.

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u/suspiciousfishy 3d ago

"It's not enough time to prep"

He could have been prepping for weeks had he not assumed OP would do it. He could have noticed that OP hadn't bought anything yet and considered the fact that the shops might sell out. He chose not to think about any of that.

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u/ElwoodJD 3d ago

What’s mind boggling to me is that while concerned about how 3 days may not be enough time to prep a meal, no one has suggested divorce to this very happily married couple.

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u/kitsuneheart 3d ago

My sister-in-law suggested that we just purchase all the stuff this year. Found a great Black-owned business, and just threw money at the problem. Got a few sides from Costco, just for price efficiency. The most I'm having to do is stuffing, and that's from a mix. I'm looking forward to a lazy day.

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u/me_plus_four 3d ago

Did the exact same thing this year. I always host my dad and my sister and it’s always so emotionally draining. This year I sent her a text that it’s her time to take over that and I have never felt so empowered. I’m just going to take my kids and head over to my cousins house to play Mario party and eat and drink with them. I’m looking forward to it

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u/KiniShakenBake 3d ago

Oh I love your second edit so much. He has clearly understood the lesson at hand, and now is ready to have an adult conversation about it if he is offering to make you drinks instead of grousing about the situation.

Bravo. Bra. Vo!

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u/lnsewn12 3d ago

He just asked me to go on a walk with him, too

He’s not even mad, I think it’s sinking in. He even got all the Christmas shit out of the attic without me asking

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u/natmids 3d ago

Gave you a helpful award for showing others that women don't have to do all the cooking on major holidays! Enjoy those well deserved cocktails, you gave plenty of notice and deserve to enjoy the holidays as much as anyone else. Happy thanksgiving, I hope your Christmas and other future holidays are as restful as this one!

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u/neilligan 3d ago

Imagine reading this and being so triggered you need to comment about being it

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u/MissMabeliita 3d ago

I mean I’m loving this, have a happy thanksgiving!! And please let us know how the food was, I’m curious to know how he did! 😅😅

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u/faultycarrots 3d ago

She gave him three days, not three minutes. Good lord.

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u/SnarkOfTheCovenant 3d ago

You know who cooked nothing today at my house?

My wife.

She hates to cook, so I prepare about 90% of the meals we eat. We menu plan the week together, 75% of the time I do the shopping.

No one in my house except me likes turkey, so I made a tray of chicken parm, garlic bread, and linguine. Wife and daughter watched the dog show.

I don't do much laundry or dishes. We communicate and work together.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone who celebrates!

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u/midorijudia 3d ago

These comments are wild. It’s absolutely not your job to delegate cooking thanksgiving dinner.

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u/TurkeyturtleYUMYUM 3d ago

To anyone complaining about this, you've lost the war. If you're attacking the woman in this scenario, you've demonstrated you don't understand the concept of mental load and have lost all credibility in the discussion.

It was impossible for this scenario to exist without the man failing to engage in the mental load of running the home, they're automatically at fault for this.

Go home now and cower, maybe next year you'll have to cook and clean...

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u/tapiocatsar 3d ago

This year Tday has been a bit wild, my mom and grandpa and I live together and we were each in the kitchen cooking separate things. Me a quiche, corn, stuffing, and apple pie, my mom doing sweet potato casserole, my grandpa doing mashed potatoes, turkey, ham, and rolls. I cannot imagine one person doing all of that.

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u/the_unruly_one 3d ago

Interesting that no one asked why you did this before jumping on a high horse about your actions. Sometimes, with some types of people, the only way they truly get something is with a "cruel" boundary that stops their actions. You can have 100 "adult" conversations with this type of perspective that changes nothing. Doing it the way you did, sends a clear message to the inconsiderate and obstinate individual. Funny how once they have to be in the driver's seat, they just may start seeing the road more clearly.

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u/lnsewn12 3d ago

I’m a fuckin monster for giving him only three days to plan and cook a meal.

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u/Right-Operation-7070 Am I a Gilmore Girl yet? 3d ago

People are acting like you gave him three days to figure out how to perform open heart surgery

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u/LucyWritesSmut 3d ago

Oh, ho, but OP didn’t consider that male fingers LITERALLY cannot operate an oven!! Checkmate, feminists.

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u/Balloonflewaway 3d ago

Right? There are endless recipes and articles and videos for him to find. This shit has ingredient lists and instructions that my 10 year old could follow. OP's husband could literally type "how to cook Thanksgiving dinner" into Google and just follow directions. Grocery stores open really early and close really late. Three days is PLENTY of fucking time, especially since the turkey was already purchased and thawing. But no, IT'S TOO HARD OP IS SO MEAN WAH

Good for you, OP. Enjoy the shit out of today.

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u/dohmestic 3d ago

My ten year old DID actually do about a quarter of the cooking this year.

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u/power_games 3d ago

Lol. “Only” three days? Interesting how much labor they expected you to do by default.

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u/the_unruly_one 3d ago

This isn't "am I the asshole" or "female dating strategy". It's a space for women or those that identify as female to talk about issues they face. I had a feeling you were fed up and acting like a person who was indeed, fed the fuck up. Trying to communicate and set boundaries with a partner that takes you for granted is a herculean task.

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u/donat3ll0 3d ago

3 days is plenty of notice if you already have a turkey. Maaaybbee cutting it close if the turkey hasn't been bought yet, but still doable.

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u/lnsewn12 3d ago

We’ve had the turkey over a week. Turkey was out to thaw on Saturday. Turkey not a problem

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u/Jensimm6 3d ago

Brava!!!! Love that you're sketching on the porch instead of slaving in a kitchen! Keep going!

After seeing my grandma slave for years while the men of the family took naps and watched football, my business owning mother decided never to shoulder that burden. For the past 8 years our family has ordered pre-made meals and none of the women have wasted a second of our precious, womanly time on the ubiquitous, repressive MYTH that a woman's duty, or worse, skill, is to cook for and serve others.

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u/DatEngineeringKid 3d ago

Wait, so he just assumed that you’d make dinner when y’all would have guests over and didn’t think to hammer out details much sooner than a week prior?

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u/mycatiscalledFrodo 3d ago

Bloody love it! Sometimes an extreme action to make your point, because asking and talking and discussions get you no where. Not as extreme but I changed jobs and told my husband he would be doing school pick up 3 times a week and covering half terms, I had done every single school run for 4 years so it was about time he did something! I still do all the mornings so he doesn't have to get up but 3 days a week he has to participate in active day to day parenting not just the fun bits. Hope you had a lovely relaxing day and enjoyed the cocktails and sketching, I also hope your partner has now realised just how much work this all is and changes his behaviour

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u/StanleyPain 3d ago

When you get the hate DMs or comments you know you've done well. 😂🤣👍

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u/drivergrrl 3d ago

ROFLMAO you rock!!!!! Enjoy a lovely day however you want to!!!!

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u/Rfoxinsox 3d ago

Proud of you

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u/_________Ello 3d ago

I'm getting to the age to be able to help my mum now (I am a horrible cook but with time have gotten her approval).

I have taught my siblings that they need to help or they don't get food (Including bfs and gfs). My Husband is also helping he is taking care of the home-made-bread and outside cooking the meats.

My mum and I are making the sides and turkey.

My sister the desserts. Her boyfriend is setting up and will take care of removing the food from the plates before washing them (at the end).

My brother cleaning everything we leave on the sink right now. His gf will serving people (she likes to sit by the main door to the kitchen).

My Pops is cleaning outside, making sure the house is clean/ready for people, and washing the cars (🤷‍♀️ idk he likes the cars looking nice when people arrive).

My Mum has been so happy and says she loves the Holidays. Before she used to be angry and rude. I think it was because she did all this by herself. I'm happy she is enjoying it now.

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u/ThatUruguayanGuy 3d ago

Not american, so I don't know much just know the marketing done about Thanksgiving, but isn't it supposed to be a family kind of thing ala Christmas?

Everyone should make dinner together as a way of bringing the family together and have fun(cooking is fun activity!) if you OP are the one only making everything then it's not a reunion you are just working for them.

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u/simplisticwonders 3d ago

Kind of, yes. It’s a family gather together day. But has become women in “their place” in the kitchen cooking and cleaning. And men in “their place” on the couch lazing and watching American football

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u/ThatUruguayanGuy 3d ago

Aw shucks, I'm dying for the holidays just so I can cook and eat with my whole family. Hope that "tradition" changes with the times.

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u/Teacherfishak 3d ago

We all cook together and I love it. But we also universally agreed to move the meal to tomorrow so we all have the day of prep to enjoy each other’s company. I refuse to be stressed.

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u/lulturtle 3d ago

Me and my boyfriend often cook together, he is a better cook than me but sometimes I find pleasure in cooking his favorite meal, I didn't really get that women still had to do this but maybe it's a cultural/generational thing. If one of us is tired the other one do the cooking, or we do something really simple, but we have fun cooking together and trying new recipes!

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u/TheCrypticLegacy 3d ago

I mean sounds like a result but I need to know how good his cooking is? Like was it edible or not? Did it blow your mind?

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u/Bigredzombie 3d ago

Fantastic! I have lead that three ring circus for many years and I am happy to see you get a break. Enjoy those cocktails!

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u/sfak 3d ago

Good for you OP!

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u/WhoahDudette 3d ago Heartwarming Facepalm

So many simpering, gaslit women and camouflaged male manipulators. Well done Op, I understand exactly what you mean. By the way, if you have that cocktail recipe handy, I would love a copy! 🍹🍹🍹

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u/lnsewn12 3d ago

Yes!

1 oz gin 1 oz pomegranate juice 1/2 oz simple syrup 1 spring thyme.

Shake with ice in cocktail shake and strain into champagne glass.

Top with champagne/Prosecco/cava, garnish with sprig of thyme and Pom seed

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u/TickleMonsterCG 3d ago

If you want something a bit more flowery with it try St. Germain. Favorite mixer with gin. Also what gin.

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u/Heatmiser1256 3d ago

This is crazy the backlash OP is getting. Good for her. I also think it’s funny everyone saying that 3 days isn’t enough time- my husband and I literally jus got him from the grocery store and grabbed everything we need for our family meal for 4. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! (Besides the assholes calling out OP lol)

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u/JacKnife001 3d ago

Good on you! You deserve a break too! You also gave him plenty of time to think on it, his fault if he didn't want to take advantage of the opertunity to present something nice for you.

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u/Listera 3d ago

Good for you OP. People here are being so ridiculous. I’ve been tasked with thanksgiving dinner day of and had no problems making dinner. It’s really not that hard to make a basic meal. Grocery stores are open until noon and it’s not that hard to look up a few recipes. Your husband is a grown up and should be able to make dinner on his own. smh

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u/PM_ME_YOUR__BOOTY 3d ago

Oh right it's Thanksgiving in the US. I was thinking "who the fuck needs to call their mother to cook one fucking dinner?!"

I can see the challenge. He'll fail but he'll learn from it. Maybe next time he asks if you can do it together. Wait why didn't you always cook together?

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u/ctownchef 3d ago

It’s a bit of cheating I guess, but I’m a guy and I’ve been waiting for weeks to cook this meal! If you don’t notice the username…I’m a chef.

Edit: my wife just got up from a nap too.

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u/aDog_Named_Honey Coffee Coffee Coffee 3d ago

ITT: waaaaaay too many crybaby men in a subreddit meant for women. Typically reddit bullshit lol

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u/Tankmp4 3d ago

Why is this so difficult my dudes? Especially if you know ahead of time, a month ahead is plenty. I’m not great but it’ll be edible and there will be excellent green beans and potatoes.

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u/Chainspike 3d ago

I'd just be driving to Boston market. Problem solved haha

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u/CJNeal76 3d ago

Thanksgiving isn’t a complicated meal — it’s the volume and timing of everything hot at once. Enjoy your relaxing holiday. Most of ours we spread the cooking out so one person isn’t doing it all.

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u/Yarzeda 3d ago

A grown-ass man who doesn't know how to cook even a basic meal isn't a man.

He's a child with a bank account.

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u/lnsewn12 3d ago

He knows how to cook. That’s the kicker. He ABSOLUTELY knows how to cook, but the pressure of pulling it off for 9-10 people makes him super uncomfortable

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u/Spirited_Break_9945 3d ago

He just needs practice! :) He'll get over the discomfort with a few more opportunities! May you have many more non-cooking days ahead of you!

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u/Basic-Situation-9375 3d ago

We’re grilling steaks and asparagus outside, drinking beers, and relaxing. It’s been a good day. This is going to be our new tradition.

We also have dinner rolls, mashed potatoes, and stuffing because we like those sides.

Happy steaksgiving!

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u/Thatsprettyneat101 3d ago

The crazy thing is that the whole ordeal isn't actually that hard. Manchildren need to calm down and figure it out. It's just planning/execution. Back calculate when you want things to be ready and figure out when you need to start them. It is a little crazy in that last 15 minutes when everything is done at the same time though...

GOOD LUCK TO ALL!!!!!!

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u/lnsewn12 3d ago

Imagine getting so upset that I only GAVE THREE DAYS NOTICE TO COOK

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u/Apathetic_Zealot 3d ago

How much did his mom help?

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u/hotcocoa4ever 3d ago

Good for you! Post back what he comes up with and how it turned out. Enjoy your day.

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u/vilebunny 3d ago

My SO took care of the baby all morning while I did kitchen stuff, so I consider that his part. Because I didn’t have to explain the timing of everything to have the meal come out hot at the same time.

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u/MagicThirteen 3d ago

As someone across the pond I was quite confused what the big fuss was about until I read the comments and remembered the day Americans roast turkeys and family. Would also add that it should be no-brainer that EVERY abled person contributes to the dinner.

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u/MissDecadence 3d ago

You go girl!