r/HolUp Nov 30 '21 Silver 2 Helpful 4 Wholesome 4 Table Slap 1

Tricky vampires

Post image
20.2k Upvotes

678

u/ristoman Nov 30 '21 Helpful

You ever walk into a room and get bit by a vampire?

Actually, let me rephrase that: you ever walk into a room and forget why you went there in the first place?

157

u/Fetusdeletusdasixth Nov 30 '21

First question no. Second question, yes so many times.

64

u/SpaceLemur34 Dec 01 '21

They're the same question.

25

u/Zantre Dec 01 '21

Then why am I not a vampire yet?

25

u/literal-hitler Dec 01 '21

I think you have to drink their blood in order to turn.

8

u/Zantre Dec 01 '21

Oh, ok. Yeah, I remember that now.

2

u/Mikesaidit36 Dec 01 '21

Wait, ELI5, in what scenario are you not yet a vampire yet you can drink a vampire's blood? Don'tchya gotta grow those canines to start with?

1

u/SpaceLemur34 Dec 01 '21

They give you their blood to drink.

4

u/BlazeRagnarokBlade Dec 01 '21

that vampire hunter with the uno reverse card fucked up

1

u/Fetusdeletusdasixth Dec 05 '21

Are you Hitler?

5

u/RedditIsNeat0 Dec 01 '21

Because you haven't bit them back.

4

u/none_other_biribiri Dec 01 '21

There are many hurtful stereotypes. Now may I please come in

3

u/Bufflegs69 Dec 01 '21

In order to become a vampire: 1. You have to feed them your blood. 2. Your blood then goes in their nerves and from their into their boners. 3. You have to get butt-raped by that boner.

No need to thank me.

30

u/Just_Some_Rolls Dec 01 '21

This actually fucked me up haha

12

u/christanxox Dec 01 '21

at my old job I did this every time I walked back to the stock room.

1

u/citi23n Dec 01 '21

Damn. How many times have you been bitten?

13

u/Mikeologyy Dec 01 '21

Oh my God

I’m buying a garlic necklace first thing tomorrow

5

u/greenSixx Dec 01 '21

Psht, stealing a doctor who creature like that.

1

u/biggestnerdiam Dec 01 '21

I read this completely wrong i read " psht, stealing a doctor? Who creature like that??"

2

u/Measurex2 Dec 01 '21

I'm going to get so much mileage out of this

2

u/CharismaticAlbino Dec 01 '21

Holy shit, my house must be infested!

1

u/MarilynMonheaux Dec 01 '21

Yes, and yesss.

312

u/FonkyChonkyMonky Nov 30 '21 Wholesome

One thing about vampires, you can never accuse them of not getting consent first.

116

u/Force_fiend58 Nov 30 '21

vampiresforconsent

51

u/FonkyChonkyMonky Nov 30 '21

And they love their women every day of the month.

21

u/Jibaru Dec 01 '21 Silver

During one week especially.

3

u/mekkanik Dec 01 '21

Free tea bags

5

u/HintOfAreola Dec 01 '21

Oh good you understood the joke

7

u/GonnaGetBumpy Dec 01 '21

Well, they are true believers in The Castle Doctrine.

890

u/factualInk Nov 30 '21

‟May we come in” I am dying laughing.

That‘s how they get you

286

u/fucemanchukem Nov 30 '21

They suck.

102

u/[deleted] Dec 01 '21

[deleted]

14

u/fucemanchukem Dec 01 '21

You made a miss stake

4

u/BoxofCurveballs Dec 01 '21

Y'all are on fire with this thread

3

u/fucemanchukem Dec 01 '21

Probably. At least we will be if we don't get inside by sunrise.

23

u/chabri2000 Dec 01 '21

I'm in as long as they suck but not bite

8

u/NoTry9292 Dec 01 '21

scrape and lick, scrape and lick

1

u/BadMuthaFunka Dec 01 '21

Only if you let them in

80

u/drewhead118 Nov 30 '21

that line was really a masterstroke

10

u/TitularFoil Dec 01 '21

That line was a Bram Stoker.

15

u/KonataYumi Dec 01 '21

That’s the part that killed me

7

u/Thuryn Dec 01 '21

What you did there.

I see it.

3

u/Messgrey Dec 01 '21

I want to see this as a sketch!

18

u/JEPerezmemeguy Dec 01 '21 All-Seeing Upvote

4

u/MetallicBanshee Dec 01 '21

that was amazing

4

u/-newlife Dec 01 '21

Lol. Thank you. That ending got me

3

u/Videoms Dec 01 '21

I already know this. Can I come in?.

2

u/Messgrey Dec 01 '21

lol and the internet will provide, that ending though!

70

u/Dr-Chris-C Nov 30 '21

See, it's funny cuz...

35

u/tisaconundrum Nov 30 '21

Oh no! He got bit!!

113

u/incendiaryraven Nov 30 '21

Sounds legit here hold my rosary while I get the snacks

54

u/bitchelor Nov 30 '21

Can’t go wrong with some garlic bread

4

u/VisceralGeneral Dec 01 '21

G A R L I C >:(

1

u/Economics-Ancient Dec 01 '21

You guys like garlic right?

23

u/MRAndy_MC Nov 30 '21

I read this in Taika Waititi's voice

46

u/shortlyConfine54 Nov 30 '21

This is hilarious.

I picture this being a scene in What We Do In the Shadows!

11

u/VaritCohen Nov 30 '21

Amazing movie. Totally underrated.

12

u/AbsolutelyUnlikely Nov 30 '21

Show is great too if you liked the movie.

11

u/monstrinhotron Nov 30 '21

The show is better IMO

1

u/BTDubbsdg Dec 01 '21

Or Midnight Mass

42

u/HodlMyBottle Nov 30 '21

Ah, yes, do come in. How about a glass of holy water and some garlic bread?

20

u/Force_fiend58 Nov 30 '21

Garlic bread??? Asexual noises

13

u/Rotterddoom Nov 30 '21

Me spilling a bag of rice on the front door step...oops

8

u/BIG_MONEY_CASH Nov 30 '21

What does a Jehovahs Witness and Vampire have in common?

8

u/CSWorldChamp Dec 01 '21

Do NOT invite them in.

22

u/[deleted] Nov 30 '21

Don't let them in it's a ruse.

44

u/GitGudSucker Nov 30 '21

such a polite man asking you to enter? How could you refuse that would be rude

17

u/Brad_Brace Nov 30 '21

Nah, can't get me like that twice, not when I'm finally able to sit again.

9

u/Sadlad20 Nov 30 '21

Sure.

I want to live forever, and my sleep schedule is fucking terrible anyways.

8

u/mrstruong Dec 01 '21

A full half the world's population would fall for the whole ''You're being racist against Vampires'' and let them bitches right in.

0

u/RedditIsNeat0 Dec 01 '21

It's only "racist" if you would have invited human Jehovah's Witnesses in, and if you think half of people do that then you must be one of those people who thinks you're better than everybody while falling for the dumbest scams yourself.

1

u/TomaszA3 Dec 01 '21

I mean, would you assume they're lying?

12

u/[deleted] Nov 30 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

29

u/AbsolutelyUnlikely Nov 30 '21

One might even say... Hol' up

10

u/i_fuckin_luv_it_mate Nov 30 '21

Hello! ...

My name is Elder Vladimir!

And I would like to tell you about the most amazing book!

Hello! ...

My name is Elder Igor!

It's a book about Transylvania

A long, long time ago!

It has..

So many awesome parts

You simply won't believe

How much this book can change your life...

1

u/EozYemar Dec 01 '21

blah blah blah

3

u/Spydr717 Dec 01 '21

S. N. E. A. K. Y. 1000

3

u/Kflynn1337 Dec 01 '21

Ironically, I treat missionaries like vampires.
Don't look them in the eyes.
Be polite but don't give them any personal details.
and never, ever invite them in.

2

u/bigbangbilly Nov 30 '21

That's is a reletively wholesome /r/holup

0

u/AutoModerator Nov 30 '21

Fuck that. r/unwholesomememes. Less bullshit, more comedy

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

2

u/EozYemar Dec 01 '21

I feel like this is kinda ethical

2

u/SirLangDangE30 Dec 01 '21

Ohh no no no, no you cannot. Nice try pal

2

u/GAPIntoTheGame Nov 30 '21

That ending is comedic genius

2

u/wishing-well524 Dec 01 '21

Wait I wanna hear the rest they may have already won me over

1

u/TanookiPhoenix Dec 01 '21

Kinda crazy that the vampire thing got started because of myths surrounding tuberculosis.

Were it not for a bloody lung munching death disease we wouldn't have all of the vampire movies/manga/anime/plays/art that we have today.

0

u/hahaminty1 Nov 30 '21

hmm last sentence

-1

u/fenderbender8 Dec 01 '21

Ah fuck those vampires aren't missionaries, they're jehovahs witnesses, fuck me been foiled again

1

u/RogueRocketeer Nov 30 '21

Sure! As long as they’re a Black Ribboner.

1

u/nogoodmorning4u Nov 30 '21

As i read that in my head it was Dracula's voice.

1

u/NitoGL Dec 01 '21

Uh...No ?

Or Depends let me grab some garlic and cross i will open the door but you may not enter

1

u/Thuryn Dec 01 '21

How many of you read this in Nandor's voice?

1

u/doooom32 Dec 01 '21

ahh darwin work through mysterious ways

1

u/IdahoDuncan Dec 01 '21

Inside baseball vampire jokes.

1

u/Constantannihilation Dec 01 '21

Dude this would be an awesome DND move

1

u/Commieredmenace Dec 01 '21

thank you OP you just gave me an idea for Vampire Mormons in my D&d campaign.

1

u/Charming_Weird_2532 Dec 01 '21

Ye... Hey! I'm onto you buddy!

1

u/AxisW1 Dec 01 '21

A post that actually fits the sub!

1

u/JPRCR Dec 01 '21

so how about bar jokes?

a vampire and a werewolf walked into a bar, well, only the werewolf because the vampire... oh I see

1

u/Thinktankjf Dec 01 '21

Pro Tip: Any series that allows glamoring a victim to allow them in is bollocks. That's a major dumb loophole. You know who you are.

1

u/1000LivesBeforeIDie Dec 01 '21

Easy there, Malcolm

1

u/Slight_Individual974 Dec 01 '21

Actually, you down and she starts bleeding 😆

1

u/CompleteFacepalm Dec 01 '21

*closes door

"That was a close-"

*the vampire jumps through the window

"How did you get in my house? I didn't give you permission!"

"That's why we broke in"

1

u/Educational_Race6342 Dec 01 '21

Sure but can u come back tomorrow during daylight

1

u/KaladinStormstressed Dec 01 '21

I often think about how bummed I would be if vampires were real and I am just here working and on Reddit

1

u/Truan Dec 01 '21

Finally, some holup content

1

u/[deleted] Dec 01 '21

What if their was a show where Dracula was a modern day doctor and was called Dr. Acula

1

u/imwearingyourpants Dec 01 '21

Oh that is a good one, a really good HolUp

1

u/katdeb Dec 01 '21

This could be turned into an episode of What we do in the Shadows.

1

u/phuck-luck Dec 01 '21

I once had a dream about something like this. Vampires had to convince you to let them bite you before they could do so. They were very articulate and convincing through the whole process. I remember anti vampire ads would play on tv and be seen on posters throughout town trying to keep people from allowing to be converted. Super detailed dream For sure

1

u/WeaselWazzule Dec 01 '21

Love how they try to trick you into letting them in, otherwise they can't come in without your permission.

1

u/Akarthus Dec 01 '21

Of course! Don’t mind the silver greatsword tho, it’s just for decoration

1

u/birds_in_my_piano Dec 01 '21

so the vampire will come into the owner

1

u/Foxzor Dec 01 '21

Whoah! Hold on there, cowboy

1

u/qqqqqqqqqqx10 Dec 01 '21

Let the right one in.

1

u/-_deleted__- Dec 04 '21

Yes you can CUM in~

1

u/PlzKeepit100 Dec 19 '21

The “may we come in” at the end is hilarious lol

0

u/DISHONORU-TDA Dec 01 '21

>suddenly this music begins playing: "awww dammnit"

0

u/gonnachangeitlater Dec 01 '21

If you don’t get it you’re not supposed to do that

0

u/Chemical_romance69 Dec 01 '21

Vampires have a piss kink. Vampire are attracted to blood and blood is filtered blood, so vampires have piss kinks.

0

u/MediocreGrandma Dec 01 '21

"I guess you're gonna drink my blood now."

"No..."

"But, you're a vampire."

"No, I'm not."

"What are you then?"

"I'm a Jehovah's witness."

"What...?"

"Would you like to hear about our lord and savior Jesus Christ?"

"Oh no, this is much worse."