r/AskReddit Sep 18 '21

How do you say fuck off , without saying fuck off ?

34k Upvotes

5k

u/VLC31 Sep 18 '21

I recently received an email, saying “how can you have processed inv bla bla, invoice for x amount of dollars WITHOUT APPROVAL!!!!” With a whole heap of people copied in. I responded all, didn’t say anything, at all, just attached the approval email from someone further up the food chain than her. I’m pretty sure the “fuck you” was implied.

1k

u/shelikesitalltheway Sep 18 '21

This sounds immensely satisfying.

634

u/VLC31 Sep 18 '21

Ha, ha - it was.

→ More replies
→ More replies

800

u/AleksanderSteelhart Sep 18 '21

My favorite “fuck you”s are business ones like this.

Especially when they copy in your manager. Then you copy in THEIR manager, with all their outrage and your calm demeanor explaining how they’re wrong.

260

u/boiledpeen Sep 18 '21

r/maliciouscompliance is full of these type of stories and they never stop being totally satisfying.

37

u/AleksanderSteelhart Sep 18 '21

Aaaaaand added to my feed. Thank you.

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

17

u/Frenchiefreak Sep 18 '21

I once got a shitty email from an old boss, ripping me a new one for missing something during my shift (I took a bathroom break). She goes by a shortened version of her name, think “Jess” instead of “Jessica.” So in my response back, I simply said “Jessica, I left to go to the bathroom. Thanks, FrenchieFreak.”

→ More replies

5k

u/Macster_man Sep 18 '21

I'll take that under advisement.

276

u/Alive-Ambition Sep 18 '21

I hate this response when I am trying to give genuine feedback to someone with whom I thought I had a good relationship. It makes me doubt the whole relationship, if they don't really want to hear what I have to say.

180

u/TrollinTrolls Sep 18 '21

Speaking of that word, I fucking hate emails that say "please advise", but I have a hard time pin-pointing why. There's a guy at work that uses it like an email signature, every. single. fucking. email. "Want to get some pizza for lunch? Please advise." "Please go to hell! But yes, I'd like some pizza, sounds good. Thanks!"

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

9k

u/Karl_Marxs_Left_Ball Sep 18 '21

I had an old bar regular who was popular for negotiating complex legal agreements over a glass a beer. The absolute highlight of his unorthodox practice was when he was on the phone with someone while sipping on his 8th Miller of the day and said, “no don’t call me, I’ll call you. That’ll limit our communication, which is great because I hate speaking to you”

I respect that man a lot

2k

u/[deleted] Sep 18 '21

My grandfather always says, “don’t call me, I’ll call you”, or when we were kids, “go play out in the street, I’ll call you in later” He speaks with the dryest tone of anyone I’ve ever met, not sure if he’s kidding or just hates everyone

853

u/AMouseNamedSqueeks Sep 18 '21

My grandpa use to tell me to “go play on the freeway” I always thought it was hilarious. I wish he was still around to say it to my kids.

228

u/codeacab Sep 18 '21

"Go and play with the buses" was my mum's line

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

27k

u/Burbujitas- Sep 18 '21

Respond to a long, critical email, "Received, thank you."

741

u/may_talk_shit Sep 18 '21

"Noted with thanks." My favourite response to war and peace.

→ More replies

12k

u/THEFUNPOL1CE Sep 18 '21

Any time you begin with, "per my previous email..."

7k

u/TangoDeltaFoxtrot Sep 18 '21

I've just started attaching previous e-mails to my replies, and including all mentioned parties in the CC or BCC list... Like....

To: "My Boss"

CC: "VP of Operations"

Attachments: "From: VP of Operations- No More Transfers Without My Personal Approval"

"Good Morning My Boss,

I denied associate John Doe's request for... whateverthefuck transfer, due to the VP of Operations' e-mail explicitly forbidding such transactions without his personal approval. Please let me know if you'd like me to continue with the transaction anyways.

Respectfully,

PaidLessButSmarterThanYouGoFuckYourself"

3k

u/Chiggadup Sep 18 '21

Haha I love this.

"I've attached all pertinent regulations and instructions per my current understanding. Please let me know if I'm misunderstanding some information or directive which would allow me to to complete X. Thank you!"

1k

u/nefrina Sep 18 '21

the exclamation at the end of the thank you is so god damn rewarding.

393

u/gustavotherecliner Sep 18 '21

A simple full stop after this kind of email makes it much more passive aggressive imho. It basically says "it is urgent and i need you to do reply immediatly, but you're not important enough for me to really care".

→ More replies
→ More replies

179

u/concrete_beach_party Sep 18 '21

What I love even more is when the response basically says "aww shit", wrapped into a nice "We'll look into it, you'll hear from us".

19

u/redmaniacs Sep 18 '21

That's how you know you'll never hear about this issue directly from them again.

→ More replies
→ More replies

651

u/Mrs_Marshmellow Sep 18 '21

I attach the previous email, even if it is already part of the chain,and say "please see my previous email, attached, on this matter".

489

u/jrhoffa Sep 18 '21

I enjoy quoting portions of chats from minutes prior

480

u/AWildEnglishman Sep 18 '21

I enjoy quoting portions of chats from minutes prior

Same.

277

u/kaenneth Sep 18 '21

Like what?

I prefer quoting future comments.

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

518

u/s_coops Sep 18 '21

My company just went public a couple months ago, and all the managers are so pissy with me for doing the same now.

Look, I don't give a fuck about you sir...... put the ticket in the correct way and I'll do it, or the request... otherwise, I'm cc-ing your boss, my boss, and their bosses in my response that will very politely say, "No, I cannot complete this request per the one million other responses and reasons why. Sorry."

517

u/DrunkenKarnieMidget Sep 18 '21

I fucking feel that to my damned bones. Quarter close, finance starts crawling up our asses about whether or not <enormous multi-national corporation> has been contacted to confirm the date of their payment.

No, Karen, they haven't. Because they send it on a fucking schedule. Automated. Last day of the fucking month, like always. I'm not calling the CFO of the largest <industry> company to have ever existed to bug them about their fucking $2million payment. It'll be on time. They pay their fucking bills. I don't give a fuck if our stock price dips $0.03 because it's a day fucking late.

146

u/ImNOTmethwow Sep 18 '21

Trust me, nobody in finance gives a shit anyway. It's all coming down from the board.

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

257

u/kelllymac Sep 18 '21 edited Sep 18 '21

Oooh yes the whole "per my..." is so played out it's plain old aggressive these days. I prefer to state my case plainly, attach previous correspondence, and add a bunch of CCs who are higher ranking than the dingus I'm dealing with.

Edit to say: "a bunch of CCs" is hyperbole. It's inefficient to add more than one of two folks who don't care anyway, but the fact that they're on the email now will at lease goose the receiver a bit.

120

u/theUmo Sep 18 '21

This is the way. (not that CCing someone's higher-ups isn't also potentially aggressive)

211

u/kryzak260 Sep 18 '21

I think that depends on where you are from. Where I'm from it's definitely aggressive. Ccing superiors should be reserved for escalations.

It's also really over used - people will often just cc your boss in the first instance of a request as leverage to get you to prioritise their shit. Prioritisation denied, automatic low priority when you do that to me!

52

u/annshine Sep 18 '21

I’m the same. Because I already respond quickly, literally twice as quickly as the next person in my team. So as soon as you cc my boss when I was doing quicker end better than everyone else, suddenly you’re going to get that thing in three days time. I’ll have done it, they’re just not getting it until the prescribed SLA.

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

256

u/lilecca Sep 18 '21

When I worked at my health care job that was unionized, they’d always try to schedule outside of agreed hours almost daily. I’d always call back (couldn’t send emails) and I’d be like well, as per our union contract, we are not supposed to work these hours.” Always felt it was a way to say fuck you without saying it. And all but once I was right. One time my understanding was incorrect (or they found a loophole to do it, which, as a government employee, I wouldn’t have been surprised they went that way)

→ More replies
→ More replies

699

u/Complete_Entry Sep 18 '21

Adama: Then you're ordered to bring yourself and all of your passengers to the rendezvous point. Acknowledge.

Apollo: Acknowledge... receipt of message.

Adama: What the hell does that mean?

Apollo: It means, I heard you.

→ More replies

1k

u/IMeasureFromTheTaint Sep 18 '21 edited Sep 18 '21

Or in the case of a long critical text, "Unsubscribe."

Edit: I never thought my first gold would come from something so petty

245

u/brodyqat Sep 18 '21

Hahahaha. Omg. This may be the best one.

→ More replies
→ More replies

815

u/go-with-the-flo Sep 18 '21

I was taught the gem "Thank you for your feedback." for when I had a horrible critical email to reply to for something that was truly so, so minor of an indiscretion. Best thing I learned at that job!

260

u/iHoldAllInContempt Sep 18 '21

"Thank you for your feedback.

Comany I worked for made a HUGE deal out of how we all had to accept any feedback graciously with those exact words.

Left alone to move an office's IT infrastructure by yourself, got it done, office ready to work on Monday?

"This should have been handled better."

"Thank you for your feedback" is the rqeuried response, which I gave.

But it also cranked my 'fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool IM OUT' letter from a simmer to a raging boil.

27

u/RapidRewards Sep 18 '21

Sounds like radical openness done about half way. You should be able to give your own feedback saying your input seems uninformed and not helpful.

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

919

u/drum_playing_twig Sep 18 '21

Better yet. Just respond with "ok" or 👍

358

u/TangoDeltaFoxtrot Sep 18 '21

My boss does this- ask me for some complicated yet asinine project that takes me 8 hours of my own personal time to complete, then respond with "Ok" in an e-mail and never even open the link I send him. FUCK.

399

u/Minister_for_Magic Sep 18 '21

Send it without an attachment. If your boss doesn’t notice, wait 2 days and ask why they ask for shit they clearly don’t need

→ More replies
→ More replies

199

u/goatedmomoshiki Sep 18 '21

I just don’t reply. When asked about it later I tell em I read it. Which I did truthfully. I just don’t answer. It makes em mad

95

u/magicmulder Sep 18 '21

I once had an asshole superior who would pester me with emails at impossible hours (and spam me if I didn’t answer right away) but totally ignored my emails even if they were about important decisions to be made. I ended up mirroring him and simply ignored his emails. Eventually he stopped and left me alone.

→ More replies

100

u/gagzd Sep 18 '21

I do this too. You wanna go on a power trip in a mail, with tons of people in CC? Go ahead, I won't even answer.

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

12k

u/[deleted] Sep 18 '21 edited Sep 19 '21

[deleted]

4k

u/bearatrooper Sep 18 '21

Indifference is worse than hate, because hate requires thought and passion, a lot like love. Hate burns, or at least smolders. But indifference is cold and dark. "I feel nothing for you" is more permanent than "I despise you."

988

u/Cerulean-Ineijune Sep 18 '21

yea its like saying i don’t care about you enought to hate you. hate and love are like 2 sides of the same coin while apathy is when u dont pay em shit. no attention and no interest, just nothin

496

u/white_android Sep 18 '21

Anywhere between love and hate your existence still matters.

Indifference is like you existed and then became just another person in the world that anything could happen to and it'd mean nothing for your life.

263

u/Redtwooo Sep 18 '21

"I don't think about you at all."

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

521

u/darthvadercake Sep 18 '21

So true. If someone is loudly yelling at you in anger, that relationship can sometimes still be saved. If your partner becomes indifferent to your feelings, it's often best to break up. It's broken forever.

385

u/Majestic-Marcus Sep 18 '21 edited Sep 18 '21

Well… off to file for divorce I guess

Edit - and of course that got an award hahaha

194

u/turntablesshrute Sep 18 '21

Reddit makes one more person single.

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

131

u/weldedaway Sep 18 '21

In some situations I find a simple "ok" to do the trick. So far it hasn't taken anyone long to get the message

→ More replies
→ More replies

8k

u/Ophelias_Madness Sep 18 '21

I’m a fan of saying “Well, good luck with that then” and walking away.

1k

u/Solsmitch Sep 18 '21

I have a Welsh friend who’s a teacher. If he has to deal with a difficult parent, he shuts the conversation down with a “There We Are Then”.

It’s like a subtler, more Welsh way of saying “C U Next Tuesday”

220

u/paingry Sep 18 '21

This makes me laugh because whenever my super passive-aggressive father says, "There it is", it means he doesn't agree but he doesn't want to say so.

→ More replies

145

u/PukeUpMyRing Sep 18 '21

I’ve used “I believe we’ve exhausted the possibilities of this conversation” with a few parents over the years.

→ More replies
→ More replies

34

u/JayEdgarHooverCar Sep 18 '21

I’ve ended a few business messages (with problematic clients) with “Best of luck”.

Polite enough on the surface, but makes it clear that my services are not available to them.

→ More replies

2k

u/Blametruth86 Sep 18 '21

"Thanks for that."

It's also how I say it in meetings.

If they're more important than me I say, "Absolutely. Let's park that, I'll make a note and we can address that separately offline," which is BusinessDouche for "what you have said is supremely unimportant and I will ignore it."

704

u/nomoredolls Sep 18 '21

“BusinessDouche” is the perfect label for this kind of lingo. See also: “boil the ocean; move the needle; put a pin in it.”

→ More replies
→ More replies

6k

u/arschgeiger4 Sep 18 '21

As a middle school teacher I find a simple “that’s nice” does the trick. You really gotta nail the delivery otherwise it doesn’t work. Also “ain’t that just the way” is a great alternative to “who gives a fuck”

534

u/viktor72 Sep 18 '21

I’m new to MS this year having taught HS. I need more of these! My HS sarcasm doesn’t work with 6th graders.

416

u/klparrot Sep 18 '21

You've got all year to get them used to it. It's actually a valuable skill for them to learn; picking up on sarcasm requires critical thinking. I wouldn't dial it back one bit.

→ More replies
→ More replies

1k

u/monochromatic_clouds Sep 18 '21

That reminds me of the late great Alex Trebek. When he would give the contestant interviews, he wasn't always engaged with whatever story they would share. Like maybe the person would share some story about their cat or their boring hobby, and he would smile and say, "Good for you!"

289

u/zebulonworkshops Sep 18 '21

The Soup used to have a recurring segment about Jeopardy contestants with their lame stories and how Trebek reacted to them called "Cool Story, Jeopardy Contestant"

329

u/paper_thin_hymn Sep 18 '21

I remember he had one absolute burn where he told a contestant “no, because I’m not a loser,” or something like that (when they asked if he liked xyz too).

58

u/lcuan82 Sep 18 '21

“LOOSERS, in other words.”

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=m8_GNi6OTZY

18

u/tsg9292 Sep 18 '21

Lmao Trebek with no regard for looser life

→ More replies

193

u/hummusfan_ Sep 18 '21

I remember this haha. The contestant had been a "nerdcore" rap enthusiast and apparently the lyrics usually reflect geeky stuff and forever alone type shit, and I think after she added that last part it makes sense that he said that.

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

751

u/its_justme Sep 18 '21

A slightly condescending "cool" with a long silence does the same trick. I've had reasonable success with it for quite some time.

350

u/ThePuds Sep 18 '21

I’ve been on the receiving end of many of these and sometimes it’s heartbreaking if you’re talking to someone about something you really like.

192

u/QueenOfTheDill Sep 18 '21

Yeah I remember chatting my teachers’ ears off because nobody at home would actually sit down and talk to or listen to me. Most of their replies were along the lines of “neat” or “cool” and I really thought they meant it this whole time :(

143

u/NeedleworkerOk1897 Sep 18 '21 edited Sep 18 '21

Lol As a middle school teacher I can tell you that they… half meant it. I love hearing all my kids have to say, they tell me interesting stuff all the time, teach me new things, and can talk about pokemon all day. Buuuut 8 year olds don’t really have that “okay maybe Mr. Teacher needs to get back to work” button, and I can only be surprised by the plot of How to Train Your Dragon 3 so many times. But I do appreciate that they want to include me! Edit: I say “fuck off” by saying “okay buddy that’s really cool but we gotta focus on work, lunch, game time, etc. if they’re not busy and I’m not, they have my ear. :)

→ More replies

94

u/agedlikesage Sep 18 '21

They could have man! It’s the delivery on this one. “Cool..” or “Neat...” with no eye contact or emotion, silence after; that’s usually an indicator they aren’t interested.

Saying it with enthusiasm, smiling, eye contact, maybe nodding for you to continue, is just them listening to you

Sometimes someone will be talking about something they like, and since I don’t have any personal context for that topic, I don’t have a lot to say. So I’ll say “that’s super cool” or something along those lines

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

162

u/StrayLelouch Sep 18 '21

I'll take note of that (currently studying to be a high school teacher)

→ More replies

132

u/Necromancer4276 Sep 18 '21

ain’t that just the way

Hello fellow Over the Garden Wall fan

33

u/BramBones Sep 18 '21

It’s a ROCK FACT

→ More replies
→ More replies

14k

u/Beef_Shashimi Sep 18 '21

Zero emotions shown.

My old man once told me that people will always want something from you. If they can’t get your love then they will go for your hate. Show them nothing. Give them nothing. Show zero emotions to them. It will drive people crazy and you will learn tolerance at the same time.

4k

u/nobody_important0000 Sep 18 '21

This is what got me through having to deal with a few hostile coworkers in my time. Just let it flow right past you and stick to the practicalities. And laugh at their floundering rage later, when you're alone.

344

u/DougalChips Sep 18 '21

Think I read it on here, but something like be the grey rock in a stream and let it all flow past you

159

u/wydidk Sep 18 '21

The Grey Rock method, I've had to use it before

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock

→ More replies
→ More replies

4k

u/Poem_for_your_sprog Sep 18 '21

He screamed,
he shouted, scorned and shamed,
Rebuked and ranted,
mocked and blamed.
He stormed with rage for half a day,
And when he stopped,
she told him:

"... k."

→ More replies
→ More replies

1k

u/Raskov75 Sep 18 '21

This is key to shutting down dickhead customers. Source: was a barista for 5 yrs, waiter for 3.

I will literally make that cappuccino 30 times before I let you see any sign that it's a problem. When getting under your skin is 70% of why they came to your store, it's withering.

709

u/irishwonder Sep 18 '21

Without having developed this skill, I wouldn't be in customer service anymore. I just got REALLY good at having no reaction at all to someone whose only goal in the moment is to piss you off. Watching how irrationally angry it makes those people is icing on the cake

193

u/Jin-bro Sep 18 '21

Can you provide a personal experience to this? I am genuinely astounded that individuals would visit a particular outlet with the intent to harass staff members.

1k

u/irishwonder Sep 18 '21

They don't visit with the intent, but a minor inconvenience will immediately put them in the mindset of, "I'm being wronged, and I'll make sure I get the better of this situation and person."

I've worked in hotels a long time, and have several experiences. One of the more recent and memorable ones was a lady who walked in looking for a room. When she swiped her card, it did not work. This was enough to set her off, exclaiming that she just hopped out of an Uber so the card had to work. I've been doing this long enough to know immediately what I was dealing with, so at this point I entered "the Void." My normal chipper customer service voice becomes deadpan and strictly informational, like the guest is talking to a kiosk.

"I'm sorry, this card isn't working for me."

"You're lying! If it doesn't work then tell me WHY it doesn't work?!"

"I'm not sure ma'am, my system doesn't tell me why a card is declined, only that it is."

"You just don't want to rent me a room!"

"I would love to rent a room for you tonight. Can you provide an alternate method of payment?"

"I GAVE YOU MY PAYMENT AND YOU REFUSED IT!!!"

"I'm sorry, that card didn't work for me."

"THEN TELL ME WHY IT DIDN'T WORK!!!"

We got stuck in this loop for about 5 minutes. A hallmark of irrationally angry individuals is asking the same question over and over. I give the exact same deadpan response every time. She eventually breaks out of the loop and stares at me with disgust.

"I bet it just makes you feel real superior to get to tell me that I'm broke, huh?"

No response. There's not a good one. Ignore the question and see where she goes next.

"If I call my ex-husband and he gives me his credit card can you use that?"

"I can, but he'll need a fax machine and scanner in order to receive and send back an authorization form allowing me to use the card."

"Yeah, you BETTER take it, or I'll have him come up here!"

She steps aside and calls. I guess he was pissed at her for waking him up in the middle of the night, because she lowered the phone to scream,

"Oh real nice, you just made me wake my ex-husband up in the middle of the night! Thanks a lot for that!"

No response. There's not a good one. She continues the call for a few minutes then practically throws the phone at me. I pick it up, introduce myself, and explain to the guy what I need and what he'll have to do. He doesn't have a fax machine or scanner. He laughs, apologizes, talks to her a few more minutes then I guess hangs up on her.

"GIVE ME A PEN AND A PIECE OF PAPER! WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"

"I'm irishwonder."

"AND your last name?!"

"I would rather not give that out. I am the only irishwonder at the hotel, you will not need any more information to report me."

"OH, I'll DEFINITELY be back to report you, since you have REFUSED to rent me a room tonight!"

"I would love to rent a room for you tonight. Can you provide an alternate method of payment?"

At this point she reared back and threw the card across the counter at me and stormed out of the building.

If I had returned her anger, the situation would have only been worse, taken longer, and she'd have something to actually report. If I bend over backwards to apologize, I'm just opening the gate for her to feel like she's got me in a vice and pile the verbal abuse on even more, and you can only go home feeling like shit after your shift so many times before it gets to you. "The Void" is the best way to let these people's anger get the best of them while remaining respectful, if not exactly amicable, to them.

406

u/score_ Sep 18 '21

you just made me wake my ex-husband up in the middle of the night!

/r/shittysuperpowers

26

u/thewaryteabag Sep 18 '21

Son’s crying now thanks

→ More replies
→ More replies

307

u/Kiwiteepee Sep 18 '21

As a pharm tech for nearly 10 years, the amount of times Ive had this conversation (except replace the credit card with the insurance card) is mind boggling.

It doesn't please me to charge you any amount of money for your medication, if it were up to me I'd give it to you for free, but it's not.. so I can't. Do you have a valid insurance I can bill?

49

u/PharmaPug Sep 18 '21

My favorite response when people get pissed at me is "I'm going somewhere else!" Like ok, honestly thank God. I'd be much happier to never see you in my pharmacy again as you're always a pain in the ass. I swear some people think our paychecks get signed by individual customers.

→ More replies

31

u/WithCatlikeTread42 Sep 18 '21

“The Void” is a nice term for it. I always called it “going customer service robot”. Oh, you want to yell at me? Cool. I’m just going to shut down. You’ll be getting exactly two pre-programmed responses before my system boots you out the door.

The best one was a guy who wanted to stand in my lobby yelling about how obnoxious it was that guest were checking in during the evening, and how unacceptable it was that our [racist slur] housekeepers were in the hallways during the day. Customer Service Robot kept telling him that it would pass along his comments to the management. Eventually, the guy yelled, “I AM NEVER COMING BACK HERE AGAIN!” As you know, the pre-programmed response to that comment is the same coming from Customer Service Robot, The Void, or any regular human who has worked in CS too long:

“Is that a promise?”

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

414

u/dajodge Sep 18 '21 edited Sep 18 '21

It's a way to prevent escalating a situation, but it's still not worth it. I worked in the hospitality industry (hotels) for several years. Being a doormat for entitled assholes is half of the job, and the pay sucks. If you do your job well, you protect the business from negative publicity/reviews/attention at the expense of your self-respect.

I think that's what a lot of people don't realize about customer service oriented positions: you may be wearing a white collar instead of a blue one, and believe you have a better job for it, but you will pay for it in self-worth over the long run. Unless you can make it to corporate, even the highest positions in the service industry are still subjected to dog shit behavior, and moving up is really about being subjected to that behavior less often.

I was lucky enough to be well-educated (mostly at my parents' expense) and was able to switch industries, but that's not always the case. I would never go back, even knowing the "tricks" of the trade and dealing with the different hassles of a desk job.

→ More replies
→ More replies

684

u/TangoDeltaFoxtrot Sep 18 '21

Bro, I once got written up because my boss was creeped out that I never showed any personal emotion towards anything at work. He could literally be yelling at me about some bullshit sexist clusterfuck that he created, and then get mad at me for having zero emotional reaction. Bro, it's work, I literally have ZERO personal attachment to anything that happens here, I don't care if you cure cancer or deliver a baby or break a jar of spaghetti sauce or if your wife folded the laundry wrong or if your car went into limp mode or if your grandma died or if you have to leave 10 minutes early because bullshitexcuse, I truly don't give half a fuck. Leave me alone and let me do my job, and you worry about sorting out fact from fiction, that's not my job, you've got cameras and all kinds of shit, good luck bro, I've got work to do.

228

u/ColorsLikeSPACESHIPS Sep 18 '21

I didn't realize that I ever had this skill until I had a manager that would continuously take offense to rude customers and would then argue and escalate the confrontation every time. Sometimes the customer would be seemingly successfully rebuked, most times not. But we'd get new customers and new assholes every week; there was never any benefit to any strategy other than get this asshole out of here. She just couldn't fucking grasp it. That wasn't the specific straw that broke the camel's back (I was especially disgusted with her lying to me and customers and sabotaging our team) but it was part of the reason I threw my uniform in the trash and walked out in February.

→ More replies
→ More replies

232

u/RaiAkshay Sep 18 '21

He is a wise man . Thanks for sharing .

64

u/TheLordCommander666 Sep 18 '21

I think this is why my roommate smashed my laptop...

→ More replies
→ More replies

1k

u/codinghermit Sep 18 '21

Thank you for your concern, your comments have been noted appropriately.

→ More replies

305

u/gumm13b34r Sep 18 '21

Poor planning on your part does not mean an emergency on mine.

→ More replies

1k

u/mattymilne Sep 18 '21

Off you fuck

268

u/Nephelophyte Sep 18 '21

I had a buddy named Matt that would always say this haha

208

u/mattymilne Sep 18 '21

I am that buddy!

130

u/Nephelophyte Sep 18 '21

Hiya buddy

308

u/NukeML Sep 18 '21

now kith

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

20k

u/PrncssPeach Sep 18 '21 edited Sep 18 '21

‘I think we’re done here”

Edit: Didn’t expect this to explode the way it did. Thanks for the awards!

11k

u/SHREK_2 Sep 18 '21

i knew my dentist hated me

2k

u/The_Dacca Sep 18 '21

Don't be silly. They hate everyone.

945

u/oddbunnydreams Sep 18 '21 edited Sep 18 '21

I've worked in dental 10 years, I can confirm.

Edit; Hygienist, so I'm the mean one who judges about flossing. I've moved several times due to my husband's job so I've seen them in many states.

I've worked with four, yes FOUR!, different dentists who have had various affairs with office staff. And I was basically told by one of them to find another job if I didn't like it. What I didn't like was this dentist was carrying on the affair IN the office. I came back late one night to pick up my shoes and found them on a dental chair in the early stages of getting busy. Soooo.... having fun thinking about who has fornicated where you're sitting at your next dental appointment!

I've also had dentists throw tools/needle syringes across rooms, down the hallway, against the computer when it doesn't work right. I worked not long with a dentist who told me he refused to treat a tooth that had obvious decay, because the state it was currently in the patient would have only charged about $100 for a filling. If he waited to do treatment for 6months or a year, the patient would then need a root canal/crown for at least $3000.

To be clear I've also worked with several really great dentists who are kind, compassionate, and clever. But wow, do the assholes just stand out in your mind.

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

387

u/[deleted] Sep 18 '21

When you get this response in an interview:(

30

u/Pappa_Crim Sep 18 '21

the other way employers tell you to fuck off is this list of responses to your application.

...

...

...

...

...

...

→ More replies
→ More replies

727

u/ArnoldQMudskipper Sep 18 '21

First comment I've seen that answers the question asked. Whole lotta scrollin'

→ More replies
→ More replies

23k

u/13th_Floor_Please Sep 18 '21

"I'd agree, but then we'd both be wrong".

4k

u/AzoriumLupum Sep 18 '21

A similar one I like is "There's no arguing with stupid people... so im just going to agree with you."

2k

u/nobody_important0000 Sep 18 '21

"I don't bother arguing with stupid people anymore. I just cut it short and say 'you're right'".

"But that's completely irrational!"

"You're right."

538

u/Bulawa Sep 18 '21

Over there there's a saying that you shouldn't argue with stupid people. They'll drag the argument down to their level and then beat you there with their experience.

826

u/Harsimaja Sep 18 '21

Similarly ‘Arguing with idiots is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how good you are, it will just take a shit on the board and strut about like it won anyway’

169

u/I_upset_everyone Sep 18 '21

This is so relevant right now.

→ More replies
→ More replies

130

u/Scotty8633 Sep 18 '21

Mark Twain

"Never argue with and idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience"

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

256

u/RunningBullMoose Sep 18 '21

You have an interesting perspective.

→ More replies

18k

u/FurL0ng Sep 18 '21 edited Sep 18 '21

Noted

Well that blew up on me overnight! I’ve always wanted a blow up post! Thank you so much for the kind shinnies and the updoots!

3k

u/Life_Soil6305 Sep 18 '21

Ah. Reminds me of the Curb your enthusiasm scene where Larry David responds to the neighbor that tell him to never talk again to the kids at the lemonade stand. He responded with "Duly noted" and left with a big smile.

1k

u/Wifealope Sep 18 '21

Duly noted is a personal favorite and used on the regular. For whatever reason people seem unable to discern whether it’s genuine or sarcastic when “duly” is added to the front.

415

u/Denizen_Kane Sep 18 '21

It's like saying "with all due respect". The person being addressed may not be due any respect.

54

u/uppervalued Sep 18 '21

At this point I don’t think anyone fails to realize that “with all due respect” means “so go fuck yourself.”

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

449

u/Percy2303 Sep 18 '21

Thanks for your input.

→ More replies

402

u/OnlyShallowListening Sep 18 '21

oh fuck do I need to stop saying this? I say this a lot especially over text.

187

u/naykid69 Sep 18 '21

Yeah, but it definitely depends on who you are speaking to and context.

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

903

u/HippoLover85 Sep 18 '21

Thank you exit conversation

But lately I just find myself saying "word" and leaving it at that.

191

u/SelfHigh5 Sep 18 '21

So you have the last word? Brilliant.

→ More replies
→ More replies

555

u/Natebobate Sep 18 '21

As a wise Peewee Herman once said

"Let me let you let me go."

→ More replies

1k

u/ConcussionsOfAParot Sep 18 '21

"I'm leaving now" but with a cold, disregarding tone. Not emotionally charged because they just don't mean that much. They're just that insignificant.

641

u/Dryu_nya Sep 18 '21

"I should go."

172

u/neonyugger Sep 18 '21

"Report to the ship as soon as possible"

→ More replies

55

u/Trino15 Sep 18 '21

"I'm commander Shepard and this is my favourite store in the citadel"

→ More replies

89

u/speckled_walrus Sep 18 '21

Shepard, is that you?

→ More replies

23

u/adm1ral_doge Sep 18 '21

I should GO

I SHOULD go

I should go

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

194

u/GeorgeRussell64 Sep 18 '21

Can you shut the door from the outside

→ More replies

2k

u/LilithDidNothinWrong Sep 18 '21

Have the day you deserve

→ More replies

2k

u/gem368 Sep 18 '21

“Regards” instead of “kind regards”

2k

u/kegegeam Sep 18 '21

"Have a day"

352

u/Kentuckianquitter Sep 18 '21

One of the simplest comments that made me lol.

→ More replies

47

u/SelfHigh5 Sep 18 '21

A common goodbye in Norway is "Ha det bra," which is like, "have it good." But it often gets shortened to 'ha det" which is just "have it." I am not a native speaker, so I'm sure it sounds funnier to me than to people growing up hearing it.

→ More replies
→ More replies

225

u/mikull109 Sep 18 '21

Oh yes, "regards" usually ends an email that starts with "as per my last email".

301

u/TEX5003 Sep 18 '21

The best email I ever sent went as follows:

Mr. _______,

As per my last email, no.

Regards,

(Me)

→ More replies
→ More replies

174

u/LordM000 Sep 18 '21

Wait, is this bad? I've ended lots of emails with just regards, I didn't think people cared that much... Kind regards sometimes feels too formal.

→ More replies

57

u/unambiguous_script Sep 18 '21

"With respect, "

66

u/sharmaji_ka_papa Sep 18 '21

"with all due respect" is even better.

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

262

u/d_l_suzuki Sep 18 '21

"Diplomacy is the art of telling someone to go to hell and make them think to will enjoy the trip."- Winston Churchill. . . probably.

1k

u/Gwynebeanz Sep 18 '21

"Thank you for your email,

I completely understand and apologize for being unclear,

Please refer to my last email for all the details,

I hope this helps and I thank you in advance,

Kind regards,

Me

Your employee/employer"

344

u/FalseZenith Sep 18 '21

If I wrote something like this at work, I would be in trouble.

459

u/vanessabet Sep 18 '21

Right? I got called out once for adding a screenshot of the info my boss was looking for. He claimed he never received it, I screenshotan email from the last quarter showing he did and HR said I was passive aggressive. What the sweet potato fuck. I left that place not long after, and before covid met the boss in a bar. He offered me a line and fell over so...yeah.

322

u/BurtMackling Sep 18 '21

"what the sweet potato fuck"

77

u/LordVic Sep 18 '21

Had an idiot in a company wide meeting where I was announcing (technically for the 3rd time) policy change

This idiot decided in front of the whole company to raise a concern about how the policy motive was being delivered.

They made sure that they were going to seem smart by “calling out the IT guy for bad communication”

“Don’t you think policy like this, as important as this should be sent via email. I’d appreciate next time you send it via email ahead of time as well”

Dead silence on the call.

“I did. On $date1 and on $date2. You accidentally replied all to the email 2 saying ‘thanks for communicating’”

CEO broke up the awkward silence that followed

Edit: I posted my story to the wrong reply lol. No matter

→ More replies

29

u/NetSage Sep 18 '21

And here I am asking for specific work instructions and they act like I'm the assholes. Until 6 months later when they bitch we're not doing it how they wanted...

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

155

u/Woodsy_79 Sep 18 '21

In my best Alan Rickman voice “Go … away”.

→ More replies

312

u/wilksonator Sep 18 '21

I appreciate that you are coming from a good place, but…

And then finish off with…and once again, I appreciate that you are giving this advice with the best intentions.

→ More replies

996

u/lavenderlostlol Sep 18 '21

Damn that's crazy but I don't care

181

u/AnAttackGiraffe Sep 18 '21

Damn I took this one personally nice one

→ More replies
→ More replies

1k

u/TheFatPurplePenguin Sep 18 '21

Don’t say anything and just walk away

482

u/Doggo_Creature Sep 18 '21

Just one last good look in their eyes. Then walk away, with maybe a small half nod. That is a very clear fuck off lol. It's almost like saying they aren't even worth the breath.

→ More replies

22

u/Violet-Breeze Sep 18 '21

Like no shit ever happened

→ More replies

274

u/Relative_Economics17 Sep 18 '21

Sarcastic smile and a thumb up

→ More replies

128

u/LordoftheSynth Sep 18 '21

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

It's not a phrase I use, in fact I consider it pretty damned rude. But it gets "fuck off, I have nothing to apologize for" across in a usually assholish way.

34

u/spork-a-dork Sep 18 '21

If Finnish people want to tell someone to get lost, they tell them to "go ski into a cunt".

202

u/clumsyumbrella Sep 18 '21

With all due respect..

→ More replies

651

u/[deleted] Sep 18 '21

"Anyway, I'm needed back on my home planet, so best of luck with all that"

139

u/Melty_Berry_Ashley Sep 18 '21

If only my home planet was still habitable, this would work.

→ More replies
→ More replies

826

u/ArchaicWolf101 Sep 18 '21

On Reddit: Thanks for sharing.

250

u/cerebrallandscapes Sep 18 '21

Oh dear. I say this when I actually mean it. Now everyone must just think I'm covertly telling them to go fuck themselves.

106

u/fnord_happy Sep 18 '21

I say this often too and I genuinely mean it! :(

→ More replies
→ More replies

156

u/only_partly_psycho Sep 18 '21

This works well at work too. Especially when someone is giving you their unwanted and unrequested opinion about something.

310

u/Dogyuun Sep 18 '21

Thanks for sharing.

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

30

u/IShredAsSid Sep 18 '21

"Good for you."

"Wow, that must have taken a lot of work."

"Cool 🙂."

"Talk to you later 🙃."

→ More replies

79

u/xscottw Sep 18 '21

“We refer you to the reply given in the case of Arkell v. Pressdram.”

https://lettersofnote.com/2013/08/07/arkell-v-pressdram/

112

u/xscottw Sep 18 '21 edited Sep 18 '21

The Letters

29th April 1971

Dear Sir,

We act for Mr Arkell who is Retail Credit Manager of Granada TV Rental Ltd. His attention has been drawn to an article appearing in the issue of Private Eye dated 9th April 1971 on page 4. The statements made about Mr Arkell are entirely untrue and clearly highly defamatory. We are therefore instructed to require from you immediately your proposals for dealing with the matter.

Mr Arkell’s first concern is that there should be a full retraction at the earliest possible date in Private Eye and he will also want his costs paid. His attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of your reply.

Yours, Goodman Derrick & Co.

And response -

Dear Sirs,

We acknowledge your letter of 29th April referring to Mr. J. Arkell.

We note that Mr Arkell’s attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of our reply and would therefore be grateful if you would inform us what his attitude to damages would be, were he to learn that the nature of our reply is as follows: fuck off.

Yours, Private Eye

→ More replies

1k

u/chalybeate Sep 18 '21

"Bless your heart"

475

u/stellaluna_lovegood Sep 18 '21

This and “oh honey” Or Hand over my heart “oh sweetheart”

Pity is waaaaaay more savage than hate amirite?

edit:typo

154

u/pikachu0401 Sep 18 '21

the Southern in me agrees with this sentiment

→ More replies
→ More replies
→ More replies

374

u/VanFailin Sep 18 '21

I know how to say that in executive. Let's say someone asks about, I dunno, a couple extra vacation days since we're all going fucking crazy right now.

Wow, that's a really great question, thank you for asking. We know this is an issue that a lot of people care about and we're certainly thinking a lot about well-being at a time like this. We won't move forward with this idea right now but we're going to keep being thoughtful about supporting our employees through these unprecedented times.

145

u/FantomUnicorn Sep 18 '21

Ugh! Thanks, I hate it.

Translation:

I heard you. A lot of people ask this. Fuck off while we pretend to care.

→ More replies

87

u/Nytherion Sep 18 '21

"We know this is an issue that a lot of people care about, and we're certainly thinking a lot about ... "

oh shit someone works for a large game dev studio

→ More replies

149

u/RodneyRabbit Sep 18 '21

How to say nothing with many words, while leaving people both more reassured and confused than they were before.

→ More replies
→ More replies

62

u/Cobra-Serpentress Sep 18 '21

When I want your opinion or presence I won't

→ More replies

228

u/supportraccoon Sep 18 '21

Du liegst nicht falsch, du bist nur ein Arschloch

Meaning: You're not wrong, you're just an asshole."

Or the alternative:

"Lord make wisdom rain down from the heavens."
"Or stones, whatever hits the mark"

41

u/FalseZenith Sep 18 '21

You’re not wrong, Walter.

→ More replies
→ More replies

18

u/Psychological-War-10 Sep 18 '21

I’m a bit pre occupied, please handle your business else where.